Shit house door

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.

The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.

The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, “What is it without touching it?”

The blind man replies, “That’s a good piece of fir.”

“Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one.”

“That’s a bad piece of willow,” says the blind man.

“Correct,” answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

“I’m confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?”

The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, “Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!”

Excess billing hours

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

Describes Labor Pain

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any
questions. She replies, “I’m a little worried about the pain.
How much will childbirth hurt?”

The doctor answered, “That varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe
pain.”

“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.

“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”

“Like this?”

“A little more…”

“Like this?”

“No. A little more…”

“Like this?”

“Yes. Does that hurt?”

“A little bit.”

“Now stretch it over your head!”

Knock Knock 87

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hominy!
Hominy who?
Hominy times are we going to go through this!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Honda!
Honda who?
Honda the spreading chesnut tree…!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hope!
Hope who?
Hope you’ll have me!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Horatio!
Horatio who?
Horatio to the end of the street

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Harry!
Harry who?
Harry up and answer this door!

Airlines running operating systems

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don’t need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don’t fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don’t go anywhere. But that’s okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

Wilma and Barney at Church(no relation to the flintstones)

Every weekend Wilma and Barny go to church.During the service Barney falls asleep.One afternoon Wilma asks the priest what she can do about it, and the priest hands her a needle.”What do I do with this?””She asked.””Well whenever he falls asleep prick him with it.””The priest replied.
So the following week during the service Barney goes to sleep.The priest asks “”Who is our savior?””Wilma pricks Barney with the needle and he yells “”JESUS!!””a few moments later he goes back to sleep.
The priest then asks “”Who is the father of Christ?””Again Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out “”GOD!!””A few minutes later he goes back to sleep.
The priest then asks “”What did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time?””Wilma poked Barney with the needle again and he yells “”IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’M GONING TO SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!””

U guess !

There were two guys and two twin girls. One guy and one girl
went into a bedroom and the guy said to the girl and said u
wanna fuck? so the girl said sure. then the girl undressed the
guy and the guy undressed the girl. they got on the bed and
fucked each other for 24 hours. The other girl and guy went into
another bedroom and the girl asked u want to fuck? and the guy
said sure . so they girl undressed the guy and the guy undressed
the girl. they got into the bed and fucked for 24 hours. Then
the girls said to the guys that they had to piss. They went out
to the living room and switched so the 1st girl went into the
2nd guy and the 2nd girl went with the 1st guy! so they fucked
for 2 days . The 1st and 2nd guy wanted to know wat the others
were doing so they went into the other bedroom and they saw them
fucking and like sucking on each other so the 1st and 2nd peeps
got in the bed and started doing wat they were doing~ an hour
l8ta the girls switched again and they got out and they went
back in and they fucked for 2 more days and each of then didnt
use condums and the 2 girls didnt realize it and they got
pregnant and kept having sex and they fucked for the rest of
their lives and the baby had sex with its parents and with the
other peeps baby , which had sex forever 2 and they had babies
that had sex with each other! having sex is that fun