What sounds does a dog make??
WOOF! WOOF!
Author: admin
Ping pong balls
there is three soliders and they all want to go home. so the capitin says who ever can bring back the most ping pong balls wins and gets to go home. so the first solider goes out for about 1 hour and comes back with a wheel barrow full of ping pong balls. so the capitin says good job solider. the second solider goes out and is gone for 8 hours and comes back with a diesl trailer full of ping pong balls. capitin says great job solider. so the third solider leaves and comes back 30 minutes later bruised and beat up and bleeding and he has a sack over his sholder.
Capitin goes where are your ping pong balls!!
Solider goes ping pong balls i thought you said king kongs balls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rice
Yo mammas hair is so short she has to roll her hair with rice.
The Baby and the KY Jelly
A frantic mother called her pediatrician at two in the morning.”Doctor,” she yelled, “My baby just ate an entire tube of K-Y jelly! What do I do?””Well,” came the response, “if you really can’t wait, call an all-night drugstore.”
Wrong size
There once lived a man named Jack. Jack was very unfortunate in that that he eyes having always bulged out every since he hit puberty. It was a very big problem for Jack, because no girls were every attracted to him. The bulging eyes were a big turn-off.
Finally, after some consideration Jack goes to the doctor with his problem, always too embarrassed to go in the past. After closely listening to Jack’s problem and after long examination, the doctor tells the Jack that there’s only one way to solve Jack’s problem, and that way is to cut off Jack’s balls.
Jack completely rejects the solution at first, but then begins to think that what good are his balls if he can’t get laid anyway. And, since his bulging eyes are keeping him from getting laid in the first place, maybe losing his balls for the sake of looking normal wasn’t such a bad idea.
So, a day later Jack returns to the doctor and tells him to cut off his balls. Jack goes through with the surgery, and behold, the day after the surgery he looks into the mirror and finds that his eyes are no longer bulging out. Very happy with his new look, Jack decides to treat himself to some new clothes, go to a club, and get fucked.
Based on recommendations from friends, Jack goes to a certain tailor to get some new clothes. As soon as Jack comes in, the tailor says, “Stop! Don’t say anything! I bet I can tell you all your clothes sizes without you telling me anything or without my even using a measuring tape.”
“Take your shot,” says Jack.
The tailor says, “Ok, your shirt size is large, your pants waste size is 36, your pants length is 32, your underwear size is 38, and your….”
“Ha!” interrupted Jack. “You are wrong, my underwear size is 34!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the tailor, very puzzled, “If your underwear size was 34, your eyes would be bulging out like crazy!”
$50 for a Night
One evening after attending the theater two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, “I’d give 50 bucks to spend the night with that woman.”
To their surprise, the woman turned and said, “I’ll take you up on that.”
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend good-night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25 dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, “If you don’t give me the other 25 I’ll sue you for it.”
He laughed, saying, “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.”
The next day he was surprised when he was served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant…. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented.”
After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the court as follows:
“Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”
The defendant’s lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defense was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned…. This is what he said:
“Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones; sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgment not be granted.”
The young lady’s lawyer’s comeback was like this….
“Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent, however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted.”
She got it….
A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher ask
A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, “What’s the problem,
Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes, it is.” replied Carol. “I was stupid and made my homework
paper into a paper airplane.”
“Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” said the
teacher, “but this once I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”
“Oh, but that won’t work,” said Carol, looking even sadder. “You see,the plane
was hijacked.”
Sense of Time
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
‘1956,’ was his immediate reply.
‘No wonder you look so uptight!’ she exclaimed. ‘Honey, you need to get out more.’
‘I’m not sure I understand you,’ he answered, glancing at his watch. ‘It’s only 2014 now.’
Fun things to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas. “If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Adam Accused By Eve!
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands….
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.
“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded.
“You know you’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange
pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the
torso.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve!
Old man from Trent – Limmerick
There once was an old man from Trent, Whose penis was crooked and bent, And so to save trouble, He put it in double, And instead of coming, he went!