The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country’s leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
Author: admin
New Church
Three couples were attempting to be admitted into a new church.
The priest said, “Well, the only way that you can get into my
church is that you must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
“No problem!” said all three couples.
Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church. “It
was a piece of cake. We didn’t have sex for two weeks straight.”
said the elderly couple.
“It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn’t have sex
for two weeks straight.” said the middle-aged couple.
“Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then,
as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just
had to give it to her right then and there.” said the newlywed
couple.
The priest was stunned. “You do realize that you aren’t welcome
in this church, don’t you?”
The couple shrugged it off. “That’s ok. We aren’t welcome in
Home Depot anymore, either.”
Yo momma
yo momma got a eye on her knee and they call her NEECEE.
Rude Doctor!
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife’s been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.
Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks.
“Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?”
The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?”
“Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.”
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
“And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
“Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.”
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: “And you’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says –
“Hey, I’m just messinging with you, dude…
You don’t have to do all that stuff – she’s dead!”
Red Neck Driver’s License
REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box) First name: First name:
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse’s Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________ Lover’s Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________ Father’s Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO =
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis ___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: =
[_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don’t know3 dumb blondes
three blondes were on an island they had nothing but a lamp they
one of the blondes rubed the lamp and a genie poped out and he
said “i will give you each one wish” so the first blond goes
well i am kinda dumb so i wish to be 40% smarter “POOF” he made
her a red head the second blond said i am very dumb i wish to be
40% smarter to “POOF” he made her a brown head the 3rd blonda
said i am kinda dumb i would like to be 40% more dumber “POOF”
he turned her into a man!
Cheating Wife
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, “That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?”
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, “I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend.”
“Wow,” exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.
“No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house.”
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, “What did you do?”
“I walked over to my wife,” the man replied, “looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.”
“That makes sense,” said the bartender, “but what about your best friend?”
The man replied, “I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, ‘BAD DOG!'”
Change In Fashion
This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
“Yo, Bob, I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Oh, yeah, sure,” says Bob sheepishly.
“Really? How long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in our bed!”
Yo mama
yo mama so stupid she cant run past a bus
Irish Oh Irish
Why do the Irish call their basic currency the Punt?Because it rhymes with bank manager, and… did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?He wiped the chain and pulled himself.
Bargains
Why do jewish women prefer circumsized me? Because they are twenty percent off.
Price Check
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she’d die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, ”Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.” As if that wasn’t bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word ”Tampax” for ”Thumbtacks.” In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, ”Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”