Did you hear about the Texan who was so big that when he died they
couldn’t find a coffin for him?
-They gave him an enema and burried him in a shoe box.
Author: admin
Knock Knock 63
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Evan!
Evan who?
Evan and earth!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Eyesore!
Eyesore who?
Eyesore do like you!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ezra!
Ezra who?
Ezra no hope for me!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Falafel!
Falafel who?
Falafel off my bike and cut my knee!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fanny!
Fanny who?
Fanny body home!
Mills and Boon… Oz
Extract from an Australian Mills & Boon (one of those romance books)We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in thenow damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun meltedinto the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered:”Baaaa”, then re-joined the flock.
Murphy’s Friends Laws
Okay, you’ve heard of Murphy’s famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. –Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical RepairIdentical parts aren’t. –Beach’s LawAny tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. –Anthony’s Law of the WorkshopNothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. –Tussman’s LawIf it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. –Lowery’s LawThe solution to a problem changes the problem. –Peer’s LawThere is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. –William’s LawHandy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s Biology. 2. If it stinks, it’s Chemistry. 3. If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics.Machines should work. People should think. –IBM’s Pollyanna Principle:The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage – management. –The Dilbert PrincipleThe first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. –Ehrlich’s LawIt is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. –Ralph’s ObservationIf you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. –Cannon’s CommentThinly sliced cabbage. –Cole’s Law
El juez se dirige al
El juez se dirige al acusado:
“A ver, cu�nteme su versi�n de los hechos”.
“Ver�, estaba yo en la cocina con el cuchillo de cortar jam�n. En eso que entra mi mujer, tropieza, cae sobre el cuchillo y se lo clava en el pecho”.
“Ya, siga.”
“Pues as�, siete veces”.
Old Age
Would you rather…Get so hearing impaired with age that you cant hear your rice krispies?ORWake up to snap, krackle and pop..then realize you havent poured your cereal yet
The Grand Forks Floo
Did you know their making a movie about the Grand Forks Flood? It’s called, ‘A River Runs Over It.’
What is the easiest way to kill a blonde??…
What is the easiest way to kill a blonde??
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool!
Do you realize what I am?
A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, “Don’t you know I’m Polish?””Oh, I’m sorry,” the blonde apologizes, “do you want me to start over and talk slower?”
Tee Time In Hell
There was this basically-good man who died and appeared before St. Peter at
the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a
problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is
supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man go to Hell and check it
out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn’t like what he saw
there, he could come back to Heaven.
Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an
uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world
playing all the famous golf courses.
When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at
the man’s situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man’s
ultimate destination wasn’t clear, the man would go to Heaven. The man could
just see behind Satan a Most Beautiful Golf Course. It had beautiful trees, blue
ponds, water separating the fairways, everything. The man fell in love with at
at first site, and he couldn’t control himself. He just had to play a round.
The devil showed him a wonderful electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag, a
matched set of clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a
Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldn’t
control himself. He just had to play there.
He goes back up to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in
Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there. When the man returns
to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that
anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course.
Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his
beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his
driver, reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then
frantically searches everywhere for a ball.
Satan comes up and the man asks him for a ball.
“That’s the Hell of it,” says Satan with a devilish laugh.
The Graduate
The grad with a Science degree asks, ”Why does it work?”The grad with an Engineering degree asks, ”How does it work?”The grad with an Accounting degree asks, ”How much will it cost?”The grad with a Liberal Arts degree asks, ”Do you want fries with that?”
Can’t spell
The farmer and his wife worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.
Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled, “How do you like it? Don’t I look like a count?”
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: “You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can’t even spell!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman