Yours Fun Portal !
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it saying, ” I spat in this beer, do not drink!”.
After a few minutes he returns to find another sign next to his beer saying, ” So did I!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14. No, my powers can only be used for good.
15. How about never? Is never good for you?
16. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17. You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
18. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
19. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
20. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
21. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
23. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really
quite busy.
24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….”
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they’ve had sex, he turns to her and asks, “So, how was I?”
She says, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
My doctor is so funny – he keeps me in stiches!!!
What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
Lipstick.
A Frenchmen is calmly having his breakfast when an American (noisily chewing gum) sits beside him.
The Frenchman ignores the American who (not happy about this) starts a conversation.
American: “Do you eat the whole bread?”
French (in a bad mood): “Of course!”
American: “We don’t. We only eat what is inside and the outside we put together in a container, recycle it, transform it into croissants and sell it to France.”
The French listens in silence.
The American insists: “Do you eat the bread with jam?”
French (now more annoyed): “Of course!”
American: “We don’t. We eat fresh fruit for our breakfast, put all the seed and the rest in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France.”
The Frenchman then asks: “And what do you do with condoms once you used them?”
American: “We throw them away, of course!”
French: “We don’t. We put them in a container, recycle them, transform them into chewing gum and sell it to America.”
The Missing Toupee!
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, “Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!”
The driver didn’t think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, “Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!”
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
“Excuse me, sir, can I help you?”
The elderly man looked up and said, “Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and I’m trying to find it.
I thought I’d found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle…and mine’s parted on the side!”
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.”They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.”No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”A third child brought the argument to a close.”They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
one day an angel said to God……we have to go with the Adam and Eve project sir….we have copyright problems with Fred and Wilma.
Doctors were told to contribute to the construction
of a new wing at the hospital. What did they do?
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling
about it.
The neurologists thought the administration
had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring
under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea
short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The pathologists yelled, “over my dead body!”
The pediatricians said, “grow up.”
The proctologists said, “we are in arrears.”
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands
of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to
swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, “this puts a whole
new face on the matter.”
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
The cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.