** A waist is a terrible thing to mind. ** Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor. ** Atheism – A non-prophet organization. ** Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo! ** Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! ** Clones are people two. ** COLE’S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. ** Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? ** Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. ** Entropy isn’t what it used to be. ** Everyone is entitled to my opinion. ** Gene Police: “YOU!! Out of the pool!” ** Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs ** Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy. ** I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure. ** Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! ** Mouse… n. elephant built by the Japanese. ** My reality check just bounced. ** No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway. ** Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. ** Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. ** So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically…
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Poison
Did you know that mayonnaise is one ingredient away from being
poison?
What is the ingredient, you may ask?
Poison.
The Difference Between a Blonde & a Brick
Whats the difference between a blonde & a brick? the brick only
gets laid once.
Hawaii Havaii
The aircraft was flying into Honolulu when the man in the window seat spoke to his fellow passenger for the first time. “How do you pronounce it, Hawaii or Havaii?””Havaii,” said the passenger. “Thanks.””You’re velcome.”
Who To Marry
There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn�t decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.
The Three Worst Torture Tests Known to Man
A starving man has been walking through the woods for days. He
has no food, and no shelter. As he is walking he comes upon an
old house. Glad to finally see some civilization he runs to the
door and raps on it loudly. An old man answers. The starving man
asks the old man if he will give him shelter and food for the
night. Saying that he will be gone in the morning. The old man
agrees, saying that he can stay on one condition only. He must
not go any where near his granddaughter. If he does, he will
regret it greatly. The starving man agrees…after all, what
kind of girl would live so far out in the woods?
That night at the supper table the man and the granddaughter
can’t keep their eyes off each other. They decide to meet up
later on. And when they do, it’s like nothing either of them
have ever experienced before.
The next morning the man suddenly wakes up in his own room
because he feels a heavy weight on his chest. He looks down and
sees a rock sitting there. On it, it says “First Worst Torture
Test Known to Man–Rock on Chest.” The man laughs and thinks, is
this all? This is going to be easy. So he gets out of bed, and
throws the rock out the window. As the rock is hurtling toward
the ground below he notice’s another note stuck to the other
side of the rock it reads “Second Worst Torture Test Known to
Man–Rock Tied to Left Testicle.” In a panic the man tries to
reach for the rock, realizing that it is too far out the window
to catch, he decides to jump out after it. On his way down, the
man sees a third note taped to the side of the building, it
reads “Third Worst Torture Test Known to Man–Right Testicle
tied to bedpost.”
Last Supper
Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals and ceremonies to perform, in accordance with tradition.
But there’s one tradition that very few people know about…
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope’s presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.
John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
“My brother,” the Holy Father whispered, “I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?”
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: “But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history.”
The Pope said: “Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret.” The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.
It was the check for the Last Supper.
Ducks
what kind of doctor treats ducks?
a quack
Est�n varios ancianos en una
Est�n varios ancianos en una celebraci�n. Un tipo se para y empieza a anunciar:
“Cuando me muera quiero donar mis ojos”.
Otro se para y dice:
“Cuando me muera quiero donar mi h�gado”.
Todo el mundo empieza a decir lo que van a donar cuando mueran, pero falta un septuagenario. Cuando llega su turno declara:
“Cuando yo me muera voy a donar mi pene.
Y todos los presentes exclaman:
“�Avemar�a, nadie nunca dijo eso! �Viva el se�or que va a donar su pene!”
Con el fin de felicitarlo, la concurrencia empieza a gritar:
“�Que se pare, que se pare!”
El viejito, con una sonrisa, asegura:
“Si se para yo no lo dono”.
A man rides in on Friday, stays two nights…
Q: A man rides in on Friday, stays two nights three days and then leaves on
Friday.
How is that possible?
A: His horse was named Friday.
Un recomendado de Valladolid se
Un recomendado de Valladolid se incorpora a una factor�a sevillana.
El jefe de personal que le recibe, no est� de muy buen humor, -pues pretend�a enchufar a su sobrino en ese puesto-, pero acata la decisi�n del gerente; y tras un frio saludo, le dice:
“A v�, vamoz a reshen� er ezpediente. �Zu nombre…?”
“Vicente” responde, un poco intimidado por el tono rudo del andal�.
“�Ed�…?”
“Veintiuno.”
“�De onde � uzt�…?, pregunta el entrevistador.
Y el nuevo fichaje hincha pecho y exclama orgulloso:
“�Pucelano!”
El jefe de personal le mira de reojo y replica:
“Le he preguntao de onde � uzte… no le ped�o que me ezplique como conzigui� er trabaho.”
The blonde said she understood how the scientists…
The blonde said she understood how the scientists figured out how far
away the stars are, their sizes and temperatures.
What she couldn’t understand is how they find out what the names of the
stars are.