Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Author: admin
Discount Appliances
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the salesperson “How much are the washer and dryer?”
“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded. He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.
“How much?” he asked.
“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more. Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor.
“How much?”
“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.
“I’ll take that too!” the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business.”
Wife in Coma
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she had been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in and then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happened.
The man replied, ‘She choked.’
Their shaky hands!
Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Quotes from the ghetto
I remember from my childhood years in the ghetto several sayings about weapons sex and drugs so i’ve remembered all i can and sent them to you the lucky reader!!if the bitch fits fuck ita shank is like a dick it goes in fast and hard and either way they’re fuckedcrime is its own rewarda good woman should be seen and not heardpoeple who live in glass houses sleep with they’re clothes onwacking off too much has one bad side effect: dick callusesremember hitler was anti gun a non smoker and a non drinker never cheated on his wife was a vegeterian and went to art school so don’t be a nazi buy a gun eat meat have LOTS of sex and drop out of schoolsubmitted by lunatic
What did the canibal do after he dumped his…
What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
– Wiped his ass.
Blonde Detectives
A policeman interrogates three blondes who are training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well, uh, thats because the picture shows his profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmm, the suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I cant believe it. It’s true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Pennance for love
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, ‘Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.’ The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’ The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’ The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’ ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
Big Noses
Q: Why do gorillas have big noses?
A: Because they have big fingers
The Shower
Your momma is so fat that when she takes a shower her feet doesnt get wet.
Corporate Lessons!
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
Texan in London
“Y’all got any American razor blades in here?” a Texan asked the
London pharmacist. “All I see are these damn Wilkinsons.”
“Sir,” the Englishman patiently replied, “Wilkinson has been
producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors
since before Waterloo.”
“I don’t give a damn if they passed them out on Noah’s Ark if
they ain’t any good.” the Texan retorted.
“I can assure you they are very good sir.” the peeved druggist
said. “Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a
tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the
gardener, emasculated a neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy’s
fingers off at the knuckle–and I still got 10 shaves out of it.”