These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.” The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.The guys said “What’s that board for?” The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”They said “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!” The trader said,” well take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”Okay,” they said and left. Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said”Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.” The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?””Yeah” said the guy.”Where is he?” asked the trader.”I shot him” said the guy.”Why?””I caught him in bed with my board.”
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The Girl and the Gum
There once was a girl named Sally Smith. Whenever she chewed gum she would say yes. And whenever she didn’t chew gum she would say no. One day Sally heard a knock at the door. When she opened the door, chewing her gum, she discovered it was the postman. The postman greeted her cheerfully, “Hello there Sally, I have a package for you”Sally smiled.The postman said, “Sally would you like me to bring the package inside as it is rather heavy?”Sally said yes.The postman said, “Sally would you like me to put the package in your bedroom?”Sally said yes.Once they reached Sally’s bedroom, the postman turned to sally and said “Sally, would you like me to take that gum out of your mouth and shove it up your arse?”Sally said yes.So the postman took the gum out of Sally’s mouth and proceeded to shove it up her arse. The postman asked Sally, “Is that far enough yet?”Sally said no.The postman shoved the gum up further then asked again, “Sally, is that far enough yet?”Sally said no.The postman shoved the gum up further still then asked again, “Sally, is that far enough yet?”Sally said yes.
Cat in Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.” The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.” The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more,” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?” The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”
Al Gore’s New Program….
Al Gore was entertaining Joe Leiberman and decided to show off his new home.
Upon entering the bedroom, Joe noticed a very large wooden box with 5 empty beer
cans and about $1500.00 in cash.
Out of curiosity, Joe asked ”AL, I see you’re a beer drinker, I am too! you
see, we DO have something in common”
With a condescending voice, Al quipped, ” yes, of course we do Joe”
Joe then asked ” Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash”
Al gladly told Joe about his new program. ” Joe, since last month, I have
decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the
same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer
and put the can in this box”
”That’s really impressive”, Joe replied, ”only 5 beer cans in a whole
month, but tell me, where did all that cash come from”?
Without missing a beat, Al responded, ”Whenever the box gets full of beer
cans, I take it down to the recycling center, you know how concerned I am about
environmental issues”
Whats for Dinner
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, ”Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
”Well,” the doctor replied, ”go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again.
No reply.
He moves five feet closer.
Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, ”For the fourth time, vegetable stew!
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.48. Give him/her an allowance.
SUBMARINES
WHATS LONG AND HARD AND FULL OF SEAMEN?
A SUBMARINE!
Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your fat ass in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it is up put it down.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes – what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
38. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
40. Anyone can buy condoms.
AND FINALLY,
41. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
Clocks in Heaven
As he walked through the pearly gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and table clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, “St. Peter, what’s the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?”
St. Peter replied, “The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move.”
“Click.” The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved one minute. “Click.” It moved another minute. “Sam must be into closing a customer right now,” said St. Peter. “The minute hand on his clock moves all day.”
The man continues to look around. “Whose clock is this?” asked the man.
“That clock belongs to the widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.”
The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, “I’ve seen everyone’s clock but President Clinton’s. Where is his clock?”
Saint Peter smiled, “Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan.”
On-Line Too Long
You know you’ve been on-line too long when…
* You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks
like.
* You check your mail. It says “no new messages” so you check it again.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy/Mommy’s got
work to do”.
* You get a tattoo that says “This body best veiwed with Internet Explorer
5.0.”
* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front
of the computer with a toilet.
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. 🙂
* As your car chrashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your
first instinct is to search for the “back” button.
S&M
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.Sue says “It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?”Sally replies “It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M.”Sue is aghast. “Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.””Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He snores while I masturbate.”
Bridge builder:
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.