Author: admin

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude…
God is missing–and they think WE did it!”

Q:What is pink and slimey and hangs off the back of a train?

A:A Miscarriage.

French-Bashing to Be Olympic Sport

2/18/2003 – William Grim

Geneva – At its annual meeting, the International Olympic Committee has decided to add French-Bashing to its roster of medal sports in both the Summer and Winter Games.

“We thought it was about time,” said Jesus de Manuel y Corazon, Chairman of the IOC and the 1968 European French-Bashing Champion. “Everbody hates those little lying, cowardly, collaborating, garlic-eating, never-bathing, nose-picking French bastards. It’s time that French-Bashing was recognized for the truly international sport that it is, one, I might add, that is much more popular than soccer.”

In Summer French-Bashing the Basher runs along a 25 meter path to the Bashee (or the Pierre as it is sometimes called), a typical French sissy picked randomly from the Paris phone book. The first phase of the Bash is called Verbal Bashing in which the Basher has 20 seconds to hurl insults at the Bashee until he starts to cry like a little girl. Then comes the second phase, or Physical Bashing in which the Basher whacks the Bashee over the head with a baseball bat. Play continues until the Bashee surrenders, which in most cases happens immediately because the Bashee is a scairdy-cat Frog after all. Scoring is similar to that in diving in which points are awarded on style, technique and degree of

difficulty.

Winter French-Bashing resembles its Summer counterpart with the exception that the Basher approaches the Bashee on skis.

Sports writers are predicting French-Bashing to be the biggest spectator sport of all time, with the potential of billions of dollars in TV revenues and hundreds of millions of dollars in endorsement contracts for world-class bashers.

The United States and Great Britain are already being touted as gold medal contenders for the 2006 Games, with Canada (the only country to produce both world-class bashers and bashees) a very serious challenger.

Un exc�ntrico millonario compra una momia egipcia en un mill�n y medio de d�lares, y decide certificar su autenticidad. Para eso, la manda al Museo de Egiptolog�a de Texas. All�, tras algunas pericias infructuosas, se declaran incompetentes y le recomiendan que la lleve a la Universidad de Par�s.

El tipo la lleva a Par�s, donde le dicen lo mismo y le recomiendan que vaya a Egipto.

El millonario entonces se va con la momia a Egipto. Recorre el Museo de El Cairo, la Academia de Antropolog�a, la Academia de Historia y nada. Cuando est� saliendo del �ltimo museo se le acerca un ordenanza y le dice:

“�Usted quiere averiguar todo sobre esa momia?”

“S�.”

“Bueno, yo le voy a dar una direcci�n, pero por favor usted no diga que se la d� yo. Mire, vaya a la Polic�a Federal en Buenos Aires, en la Argentina. Pida hablar con este Sargento, �l lo va a ayudar.”

El tipo va a la Argentina, se dirige al Departamento de Polic�a y pide hablar con el Sargento indicado por el ordenanza egipcio.

“Mire, me dijeron que hable con usted, que me iba a poder ayudar… Yo quiero averiguar lo m�s posible sobre esta momia.”

“D�jemela y venga dentro de un par de d�as.”

El millonario vuelve a los tres d�as totalmente desesperanzado y le pregunta al Sargento:

“�Y? �C�mo va la cosa?”

“Mire, se trata del Rey Thor IIX, t�o abuelo de Tutankamon, que vivi� en los a�os 1300 a. de C. Hab�a sido amante de la esposa del abuelo de Tutankamon y por esto se pele� con su hermano muriendo en la lucha y dejando el reino a su sobrino, el padre de Tutankamon. Adem�s, tambi�n parece que era un depravado porque intent� violar a su hija. De chico sus padres le pegaban, lo que lo marc� para toda su vida y…”

“Pare, pare. �C�mo averigu� todo esto?”

“Al principio cost� un poquito, pero cuando lo apretamos enseguida larg� todo.”

Varias personas se detienen frente a un edificio de apartamentos atra�dos por los gritos que vienen del balc�n del s�ptimo piso. Se observa que un hombre trata de tirar para abajo a una anciana. La vieja se agarra con las �ltimas fuerzas de la baranda y grita. La gente empieza a protestar:

“�Suelta a la pobre mujer! �Asesino!”

El hombre del balc�n vocea:

“Es mi suegra”.

Un minuto de silencio. Luego un hombre de la multitud comenta:

“�Miren c�mo se agarra esa desgraciada!”

Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.The first said, “He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats.””Impressive.” said the second young thing.”Well… yes.” the first agreed.”But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit.”

Hab�a una vez un par de puiranos con un burro en la plaza de armas de Piura que es muy concurrida por turistas. En esto que est�n conversando los piuranos uno le dice al otro:

Ortencio: “gua cumpita creo que ya se nos hizo tarde.”

Jacinto: “gua cumpita todav�a es temprano.”

Jacinto se agacha, coge el miembro del burro y dice:

“Gua cumpita, reci�n son las 12 del d�a.”

Y unos gringos curiosos que escucharon y vieron todo esto se les acercan intrigados y le preguntan:

“Usted Mr. cholito �c�mo hacer eso? Yo querer saber como tu hacer eso que tu tocar miembro de burro y saber hora; yo pagarte mucho dinero por tu mi ense�arme.”

“Gua si�or gringo �cuanto usted me va pagar?”

“Yo pagar 50 d�lares”

“Gua muy poquito.”

“Yo pagarte 200 d�lares y eso ser todo lo que tener.”

“Gua g�eno pero primero me da la plata.”

“Ok.”

El gringo le da la plata y Jacinto le dice:

“Mire si�or gringo, usted agacharse y coger el miembro del burro, apartarlo a un lado, y ah� se ve el relog que tiene la catedral, y ah� ve usted la hora.”

I hate when people say supposevly. What the hell is supposevly? Do you mean
supposedly? Also, do you know how stupid you sound when you say, “I could care
less!”? Saying this means that you do care, and that it is possible for you to
care less. What you mean to say is, “I could NOT care less!”. Just a couple
quick grammar lessons for idiots.

Pick the day you were born on to see what kind of fart you are.

1-AMBITIOUS – Always ready for a fart.
2-LAZY – Just fizzles
3-AMIABLE – Likes to smell others farts
4-SELFISH – Only enjoys smelling own farts
5-CARELESS – Farts in church
6-SMART ALEC – Farts when ladies are present.
7-CLEVER – Farts and coughs at same time
8-SCIENTIFIC – Bottles own farts
9-STINGY – Belches instead of farting to save asshole
10-FOOLISH – Farts and laughs.
11-SHY – Blushes even when farts silently.
12-CONCEITED – Thinks they can fart loudest.
13-UNLUCKY – Tries to fart and shits pants.
14- TIMID – Jumps when farting.
15-BEWILDERED – can’t tell own farts from others.
16-SLOVENLY – Farts and fizzles, rots pants.
17-NERVOUS – Stops in middle of fart.
18-MISERABLE – Can’t fart
19-CONFUSED – Face looks so much like ass,
Farts don’t know where to go.
20-GROUCH – Grumbles when ladies fart.
21-SNEAKY – Farts and blames it on the dog.
22-DISAPPOINTED – Their farts don’t stink.
23-FRESH GUY – Jumps in front of you and farts.
24-BIG BULLY – Farts louder than everyone else.
25-DELUDED – Enjoys all farts thinking they are their own.
26-CUTE – Discovers from farts what others have eaten.
27-WISE – Farts and say’s “Who in hell shit ??”
28-DAMNED MEAN – Farts in bed and pulls covers over wife’s head.
29-MUSICAL – Tenor or bass Clear as a bell
Smells like shit Sounds like hell.
30-HONEST – Farts and blames in on the hostess.
31-LIVELY – Jumps in air, farts three times, kicks like hell simultaneously.

El anciano estaba postrado, casi moribundo cuando sinti� el aroma de los dulces horneados que tanto le gustaban.

Haciendo un gran esfuerzo se baj� de la cama y se dirigi� a la cocina. Fue lento y trabajoso, a veces casi arrastr�ndose, hasta que logro llegar a la fuente de los ricos aromas. Sobre la mesa hab�a varias bandejas de las golosinas reci�n horneadas. Se arrastr� lo m�s cerca que pudo de la mesa y utilizando las �ltimas fuerzas que le quedaban estir� la mano, un poco m�s y casi tocaba las golosinas y de pronto sinti� un agudo dolor en la mano y la dej� caer.

Mir� arriba y vio a su anciana esposa con la esp�tula en la mano amenazando con golpearlo otra vez:

“�No te atrevas a tocar otra vez, son para tu funeral!”