This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed. “Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. “How did it go?” the doctor asked. “Terribly, doctor, terribly.” “Did it not work?” “Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” “Then what is the problem, ma’am?” “Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”
Author: admin
Getting old…
Your potted plants stay alive..
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & ho-ho’s
‘I just can’t drink the way I used to’ replaces ‘I’m never going to drink that much again’
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.
Why did Bill get into
Why did Bill get into this problem?
He didn’t know that harass was one word.
What a Scotsman Wears Under His Kilt
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a
large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he
felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree. As
he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard
the Scotsman snoring loudly.
When they came to the source of it, one said, “I’ve always wondered what a
Scotsman wears under his kilt.” So she boldly walked over to the sleeper,
raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with.
Her friend said, “Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let’s thank
him for the education!” Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her
hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.
Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked
around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment
filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a
bow.
After several moments passed, he said, “I donna know where y’been
lad…but it’s nice ta’see y’won first prize!”
Monica’s Autobiography
Titles considered for a book by Monica Lewinsky
“I Suck At My Job”
“What Really Goes Down In The White House”
“How I Blew It In Washington”
“Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President”
“Clear and Present Boner”
“Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule”
“Going Back for Gore”
“Podium Girl”
“Secret Services to the President”
“Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton”
“Deep Inside The Oval Office”
“The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions”
“My Chief of Staff”
“Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes”
“How To Beat Off the Government”
“Going Down and Moving Up”
“Members of the Cabinet”
“Me and My Big Mouth”
“How To Get A Head in Business”
The Drunk!
It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done.
It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.
Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy’s yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed…
“Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey’s on fire!”
CNN Breaking News
It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.
The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.
Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!
Eva estaba caliente y le
Eva estaba caliente y le pide a un dinosaurio que se la fornique. Como �ste se niega, ella le corta los test�culos. Luego, cuando tambi�n el mono se niega a sus deseos, le arranca los pelos del culo.
M�s tarde, cuando la mujer de Ad�n se ba�aba en un lago, un pescadito se le mete en la zorra.
…
En nuestros d�as se sabe c�mo se extinguieron los dinosaurios y porque los monos tienen el culo pelado. Lo que no se puede saber es el olor original del pescado.
Bin Laden is alive
A top Taliban member said today that Osama bin Laden is alive and well.
Which is great because that means we can still kill him.”
-Jay Leno
The secret code word…
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!”
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.”
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.”
This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!”
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said –
“I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!”
Because they can’t get their head in the jar.
Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
Because they can’t get their head in the jar.
The Prayer.
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!