A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. “Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. “Screw it,” he thought.”I’ll just crawl home.” The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.”You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.”Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.”How did you know?””You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”
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Una monja se dirige a
Una monja se dirige a otra:
“Hermana, hermana, d�game c�mo est� conformado el pene”.
“No lo s�, hermana, �por qu� no le preguntas al padre Juan?”
“Gracias, hermana, ir� a preguntarle al padre”.
Al llegar al confesionario, el religioso la recibe:
“Ave Mar�a Pur�sima”.
“No, padre, no vengo a confesarme; s�lo le quiero hacer una pregunta…”
“Dime, hija, �cu�l es tu pregunta?”
“Padre, quisiera saber c�mo est� conformado el pene”.
“Ven, hija, ac�rcate. Toca, toca, para que lo sientas y t� misma sepas c�mo est� hecho”.
La novicia, ni tarda ni perezosa, lo toca e inmediatamente sale corriendo:
“�Hermana, hermana, el pene es de carne! Yo lo toqu� y era de pura carne”.
“No te creo, hermana, lo mejor ser� que yo vaya a preguntarle”.
Al llegar la segunda religiosa al confesionario, el sacerdote la recibe:
“Ave Mar�a Pur�sima”.
“No, padre, no vengo a confesarme”.
“�Entonces a que vienes hermana?”
“Lo que sucede es que tengo una duda…”
“Dime, con confianza, �cu�l es tu duda?”
“Quisiera saber c�mo est� hecho el pene, padre”.
“Ven, hija, ac�rcate. Toca, toca y saldr�s de la duda”.
La monja se lo toca y sale corriendo:
“Hermana, hermana, el pene no es de carne es de cart�lago; yo misma lo toqu�”.
Una tercera religiosa que iba pasando escuch� lo del cart�lago y pregunta:
“Hermana, �c�mo puede ser eso posible, est� segura?”
“S�, hermana, es de cart�lago, se lo juro”.
“No te creo, hermana. Est�s mintiendo, lo mejor ser� que yo vaya a preguntarle”.
Al llegar el sacerdote la recibe:
“Ave Mar�a Pur�sima”.
“No, padre, no vengo a confesarme”.
“�T� tambi�n quieres saber de qu� est� hecho el pene?”
“S�, padre, si no fuera mucha molestia”.
“No te preocupes, hija, toca, toca con confianza para que resuelvas tu duda”.
La monja se lo toca y sale corriendo:
“�Hermanas, hermanas, no es de carne ni tampoco de cart�lago: es de hueso, de hueso, hermanas, miren, miren, hasta el tu�tano me traje!”
Apple and Banana
Q. What did the apple say to the banana
A. Nothing it cant speak
The first profession
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world’s
first professional.
The doctor said, “It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with
the world’s first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first
woman?”
“No,” said the rabbi. ”It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed
someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.”
“Wait,” said the engineer, “The world was created in six days from nothing. Do
you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole
world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?”
“Yes, but who created the chaos?” asked the lawyer…
statue
theres this boy. his mom tells him that if he sees a naked women
he will turn to stone so the kid walks away laughing. So he was
walking down the street and his friends are all in a circle
around a prostitute. so they pay her to strip. she gets naked
and the boy starts to run away . so one of his friends catches u
to him and says why r u running away and he says mommy told me
if i see a naked women i will turn into stone and i think i am
getting hard
Yo Mama’s So Ugly
Yo’ mama so ugly, when two men broke into her house and she yelled,
”RRRRAAAAAPPPEEEE” and they yelled ”NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOO!”
Teacher's Pet
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said “I bet I know what it is � it’s some flowers!” “That’s right!” shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said “I bet I know what it is � it’s a box of candy!” “That’s right!” shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy answered. ”What is it?””A puppy!”
Panther
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Panther.
Panther who?
Panther no pants I am going to swim.
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and
catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the
swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a
huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the
creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in
amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and
frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
Been Messin' wit
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, “Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!” “Oh no, sir, I sure haven’t,” replied the bartender.The boss replied, “Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!”
Clean socks everyday
Caleb came from a small town in west Texas and was real thrilled when he made
the A & M football team. One Monday afternoon the coach noticed his socks were
filthy.
“Hey you featherbrain,” said the coach. “You gotta put on a clean pair of
socks each day before we go out for practice!”
By Friday, Caleb couldn’t get his shoes on.
I’d Love To But…(Pt III)
More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don’t wanna go to.
I’D LOVE TO BUT…
… I have to go to court for kitty littering.” … I have to jog my memory.” … I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.” … I have to rotate my crops.” … I have to sit up with a sick ant.” … I have to stay home and see if I snore.” … I have to study for a blood test.” … I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.” … I prefer to remain an enigma.” … I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).” … I’m going to be old someday.” … I’m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.” … I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.” … I’m having my baby shoes bronzed.” … I’m trying to cut down.” … I’m up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.” … I’ve been traded to Cincinnati.” … My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.” … my favorite commercial is on TV.” … My uncle escaped… again.” … Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.”