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Moses is sitting in the

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Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible: the
Pharoah won’t even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him
for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He’s about
ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: “You, Moses, heed
Me. I have good news, and bad news.”

Moses is staggered. The voice continues:

“You, Moses, will lead the
people of Israel from bondage. If the pharoah refueses to release your
bonds I will smote egypt with a rain of frogs.

“You, Moses, will lead
the people of Israel to the promised land. If the pharoah blocks your
way I will smote egypt with a plague of locusts.

“You, Moses, will lead
the people to freedom and safety. If the pharoah’s army pursues you, I
will part the waters of the red sea to open your path to the promised
land.”

Moses is stunned. He stammers, “That’s, that’s fantastic, I can’t
believe it! – but what’s the bad news?”

“You, moses, must write the environmental impact statement.”

Nun Fantasy

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A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: First you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”

The nun says, “O.K., pull into the next alley.”

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s O.K., my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween Party.”

Blonde Lotto

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A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. She goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Blonde says, “I want my $20 million.” The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.” The Blonde said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.” Again, the man explain that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Blonde, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back right now!”–Submitted by pump67

Camp Cookie

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He’s the tumbleweed chef and rides with the wagon
Ahead of the thunderin’ herd.
His pots and pans clack like a diamondback’s rattle,
He growls or he don’t say a word.

His face is a roadmap. Looks like a carcass
Hung too many days in the sun.
He sells like a mule and cooks with a shovel
And his fly is always undone.

The rider kin tell when he’s in the kitchen–
The buzzards all come into view.
He spits in the pan and shaves in the taters
and clips his toenails in the stew.

His gunpowder biscuits explode in the fire;
His beans explode in yer bowel.
His medda lark souffle is hard on the belly;
They say it tastes like an owl.

His coffee’s so rank a housefly won’t touch it.
Even buckshot floats in the slop.
You don’t pour a cup, you twist off a swaller.
Then chew a sip offa the top.

Now, Cowboys are tough guys who face death each day
In blizzards or stampedes or storms.
They ride them bad horses and sleep with the snakes
And duel with the hooves and the horns.

But many a cowboy who follered the wagon
Has joined the “Last Roundup Club”.
Not from indians, gunfights, or even bad whiskey,
But from eatin’ Camp Cookies’ grub.

Baxter Black

Notre Dame Football

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Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old
Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he
had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. “I lost my
temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents.”

“Ahhh, that�s a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin�” the priest
said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

“That�s not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents.”

“Saints preserve us!” the priest said, making another chalk mark.

“There�s more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team�s
players in the in a sensitive area.”

“Oh, goodness me!” the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his
sleeve. “Who in the world were we playin� when you did these awful things?”

“Southern Methodist.”

“Ah, well,” said the priest, wiping his sleeve, “boys will be boys.”

MIT Student

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There’s a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.