Q: What’s old, wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
A: Fred Astaire’s face.
Author: admin
Men wish women knew
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up – put it down.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine – really.
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
14. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don’t dress like the Dawson Creek girls, don’t expect us to act like the soap opera guys.
19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex.
The 5th floor!
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works…
“We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
“All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.”
Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.”
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman!
Polak In the Desert
A Polak, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.
A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, “Hi there…what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?”
The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that’s why he was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. “What are you doing?” asked the rancher again.
As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that’s why he had the bread.
Finally the Polak appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, “Hey, why are you dragging that car door?”
“Well,” said the Polak, “I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I’ll roll down the window.”
Flute joke
Q: What’s the definition of a minor second?A: Two flutes playing a unison.
Fifteen Hundred Bucks
Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told
the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home because he was
performing an appendectomy.
“My,” said the census taker, “that sure is a big word for such a little girl.
Do you know what it means?”
“Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that don�t even include the
anesthesiologist!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Yachts!Yachts who?Yachts up,
Knock KnockWho’s there?Yachts!Yachts who?Yachts up, doc!
But but he said she
But but he said she said I could . . .
FedEx UPS Merger
Did you hear about the FedEx-UPS merger? The new company’s gonna be called FedUp!
Gay Sperms
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
“How am I supposed to find an egg in all this SHIT!”
Godawful Pickup Line
Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can definitely see myself in your pants tonight.
Bar… Duckman
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, “May I help you, sir?” The duck says, “Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.”