are you afraid of heights? your fly is!
Author: admin
Chess Nuts
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. “But why?, they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Dad won’t say
Ten things that dads probably don’t say too often!10. ‘Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost. Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.’9. ‘You know Pumpkin, now that you’re 13, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?’8. ‘I notice that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude… I like that.’7. ‘Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car… go crazy.’6. ‘What do you mean you wanna play rugby? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?’5. ‘Your mother and I are going away for the weekend… you might want to consider throwing a party.’4. ‘Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those watchamacallits – you know – that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.’3. ‘No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching and let’s go to the mall.’2. ‘Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.’1. ‘Father’s Day? Don’t worry about that – it’s no big deal.’
The Pet Bird
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn’t be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse, a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” When
her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith!”
A local business
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window
saying:
“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and
must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to
the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the
dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up
on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type.”
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out
a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave
it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be
good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample
spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and
said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part
about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual.”
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”
A Blonde Guy!
A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blonde guy turns to the girl and in a demanding and angry voice says, “Okay now, tell me. Who’s the other father?”
One More Time
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers (Rascal,
Dumbass ,Bobby) happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man (Rascal) said,
‘My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the
sky.’ The second man (Dumbass) said, ‘My Carl was a good fisherman, so I’m going
to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.’ The third man (Bobby) said, ‘My Jim
was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so
he can tear my ass up just one more time.’
What did Clinton tell his lawyer after Monica…
What did Clinton tell his lawyer after Monica Lewinski testified?
“She said a mouthful.”
HOW DO YOU CIRCUMSIZE A REDNECK
HOW DO YOU CIRCUMSIZE A REDNECK ??…..KICK HIS SISTER IN THE CHIN .
Lawyer quickies 5
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
Q: Why didn’t the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasn’t a lawyer.
Q: What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?
A: You can learn to respect a pig.
Q: What is the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out.
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.
Q: Why didn’t the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
A: He didn’t like the lawyer living downstairs.
Q: Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.
Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Stranded
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life- until the boat sank.
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”
“O, this?” replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But-but, that’s impossible,” stutters Ed. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
Ed is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”
“No, no thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
“WOW! This woman is amazing,” he muses, “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know…” She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing: “You mean—“, he swallows excitedly, “I can check my e-mail from here….?”
The Big Sale
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some
advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the
long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store’s
opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be
pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second
attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a
bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end
of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I’m
not opening the store!”