Cybersex

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black
leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tanned and very
buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What
do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a
pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I’m also
wearing an old T-shirt, it’s got some barbecue sauce stains on
it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music
playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up
into your eyes and I’m smiling. My hand works its way down to
your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now, I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are
trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and I’m sliding it
softly off.

Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off of my warm body. I’m rubbing your bulge faster now,
rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in
your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s, OK. It wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it! I’m wearing a lacy black bra,
my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and
harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it’s
stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind
my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air
caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and
inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel
your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know,
breasts They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m
nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit
and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the
remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking your sopping wet blouse from you and
throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing
your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all
over, in and out and nibbling on you. ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking
for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There that’s better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I’m aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I’m drying the cup. I’m putting it back in the
cabinet and now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait it’s dark,
I’m lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed
against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don’t you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can’t see very well. I’m placing my glasses
on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly to the
bathroom

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around
for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush
handle…….uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I’m
walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I’m going to put my, you know, thing in your umm,
woman’s thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice.
Ma’am, I’m having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth. I can’t wait
another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous
look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener
all floppy. I’m looking for my glasses to see what the problem
is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I’m getting dressed, I’m putting on
my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can’t find the night table. I’m reaching
across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture
frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. I’m putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Now I’ve found my glasses. My God! One of your candles
fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I’m pointing at it
with
a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I’m logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

USER ‘SWEETHEART’ HAS LOGGED OFF

——————-

Beer consumption

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such
as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you
are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like this.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened
to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and
see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns
on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH
you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a disruption in the space-time
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
“disappear�.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Ventriloquist and the Indian

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he’ll have a little fun…

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ alright.”
Indian: shows extreme look of shock
Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” pointing at Indian.
Dog: “Yep”
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Indian: shows look of disbelief

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? “pointing at Indian.
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Indian: shows total look of amazement

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Indian: “Sheep Lie!”

Golfer & magic frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears,
“Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” the man asks.

“Ribbit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.

” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now
what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching
the roulette table, The man asks, “What do you think I should bet?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.
You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Kiss Me..”

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him,
he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous
15-year-old girl.

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

Don Jaime ten�a un sembrad�o

Don Jaime ten�a un sembrad�o de elotes y Luis siempre iba y se robaba los elotes. Don jaime se dio cuenta que le robaban los elotes y puso un letrero que dec�a: “Quien se robe los elotes me lo voy a coger”.

Al otro d�a Don Jaime lo sorprende robando y le apunta con su escopeta, y le dice: “Qu� no leiste el letrero.”

“S�.”

“Entonces b�jate los calzones.”

Y Luis se los baja. Don Jaime se lo empieza a coger y Luis le dice:

“Oiga, que es eso que me est� pegando en las malgas.”

“Son mis huevos.”

Y Luis le contesta:

“Entonces m�tamelos porque tambi�n le voy a robar unas calabacitas.”

New maid

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning she comments how lovely it looks.

The new maid pulls off the hair and says, “I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.”

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, “I’ve never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look.”

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, “I’ve never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?”

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, “I hope you’re satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine.”

Her husband says, “You think you were embarrassed…I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me.”