Your mama is so stupid, she went to an R rated movie saw “Uner
17 Not Admitted,” ran home and got 16 of her friends.
Author: admin
POPE AND QUEEN OF ENGLAND
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and
Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords – the crowd is huge –
thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can’t help but have a little rivalry –
both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my
hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?” He doubts it, so she
shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from
every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by
someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So
the Pope says to the Queen,� You�re Majesty that was impressive. But did you
know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the
crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of
your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever
of this day and rejoice – they will recount it to their grandchildren and they
to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand
and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.” So the Pope slapped her.
Restroom wall graffiti!
You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area…
The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women’s rest room, Murphy’s, Champaign, Ill.
If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can’t take a dump here –
Your asshole is in Washington!
* Men’s rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let’s all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C.
Remember, it’s not “How high are you?”, it’s “Hi, how are you?”
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men’s rest room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.
A woman’s rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
* Women’s rest room, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.
Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men’s rest room?
Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, Ariz.
You’re too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women’s rest room, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men’s rest room, Ed Debevic’s,Beverly Hills, CA
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men’s rest room, Lynagh’s, Lexington, KY
Blowing Smoke
Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, “My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.”The second little boy pipes up, “Well, my Dad smokes too! and he can blow smoke out of his ears.”The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, “My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt.””Really, have you seen it?” reply the boys.The third boy responds, “No, but I’ve seen the tobacco stains in his underwear.”
ENGLISH IS A STUPID LANGUAGE
Let’s face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)
That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it’s why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.
Lovely Ears
Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn’t wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn’t had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drooled a bit and finally said ‘Your ears.’
‘What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!’
‘Well,’ said Bob ‘In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was me!’
If the code and the
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.Blood flows down one leg and up the other.A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
McDonald’s
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, “We should pray.”
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”
$2,000
A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads “$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details.” Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
“You have to do three things and its all yours,” the bartender says.
“Just three things?” the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. “What are the three things?”
“Well,” the bartender says, “first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I’ve got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and f**k the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs.”
“No problem,” the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, “Hey pal your shoelace is untied.” When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.
Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room–it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.
After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
“Okay,” he says, “where’s the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??
Smartest Thing out of a Woman’s Mouth
What was the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman’s mouth?
Einstein’s dick.
The Mammogram
For years and years they told me,
“Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them
And give them monthly tests.”
So I heeded all the warnings,
Protected them by law,
Guarded them oh so carefully
And always wore my bra.
After all of these precautions
My doctor found a lump
And ordered up a mammogram
To see inside the bump.
“Stand up very close,” she said
As she got my boob in line,
“Just tell me if it hurts at all –
Ah, yes, there – that’s fine.”
She stepped upon a peddle
And I can’t believe my eyes;
A plastic plate pressed down and down;
My tit was in a vise.
My skin stretched out so far
From my navel to my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt
Within it’s vise-like grip.
A prisoner of this vicious thing
My poor defenseless tit.
It squeezed me first from up and down;
Then squeezed me side to side,
I’ll bet she’s never had this done
To her tender little hide.
If I had a problem when I came in
I surely don’t have it now.
If there was a cyst in there
It would have popped – KERPOW!
“There, that was good.” I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
“Now let’s do the other one.”
“Lord have mercy!” I was praying.
This machine was designed by man;
Of this I have no doubt.
I’d like to stick his balls in there
And see how they’d come out!