Author: admin

Good Bus Driver

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Two guys, a preist and a bus driver, die and go to heaven.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates.
“Yes, yes!” St. Peter exclaimed, “Lord Jesus was expecting you
two!
You guys wait here, while God prepares your homes!”

Two hours later, St. Peter comes back.
“Bus Driver!” St. Peter called, “Follow me!”
St. Peter and the bus driver walk up to this great
big mansion.
“This is your new home! Enjoy it!”

“Are you the preist?” St. Peter had asked.
“I am!” the preist had replied.
“Follow me!” St. Peter ordered.
The preist and St. Peter had at that time walked
up to a log cabin.
“This beautiful log cabin is your new home.”
St. Peter explained.
“There must be some kind of mistake, St. Peter!
Aren’t I supposed to have more?” the preist complained.
“God doesn’t make any mistakes!” St. Peter once again explained.

“You see, when you were preaching at your church,
people were sleeping. When the bus driver drove that
bus of his, people sure were praying!”

Insulted

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When the husband came home from his job, he found his wife crying.
“Your mother insulted me, very much.” she sobbed.
“My mother? How could she do that when she’s on a vacation on the other side of the world?”

“I know. But this morning, a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it, because I was curious.”
“And?”
“At the end of the letter, it was written:

P.S. Dear Catherine, when you’ve read this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.”

I heard you!

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This guy lived on his own and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company.

The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. “OK”, thought the bloke, “I’ll give it a go”. So he bought one and took it home.

That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, “I’m going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?” But there was no reply.

He tried again, “Hey, millipede, wanna come to the pub with me?” Again, no response.

So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after a while decided to give it one more try before he took the thing back to the shop.

So he took the lid off the box and shouted, “I said I’m going to the pub for a drink do you want to come?”

“For f**k’s sake, I heard you the first time” snapped the millipede, “I’m just putting my shoes on.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

New Language Courses Ameirca

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NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA

Afro-American Speak — Ebonics (or We-Beonics)
Irish-American Speak — Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak — Kimosabics
Italo-American Speak — Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
Chinese-American Speak — Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak — Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak — Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak — Zionics
Russian-American Speak — Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak — Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak — Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak — Harpoonics
German-American Speak — Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
Candain-American Speak — EH?onics
Florida Democratic Voters Speak — Moronics

Cup Holder

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Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”

Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I
am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade
show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it?”

Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a
promotional. It just has “4X” on it.”

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t
stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive
as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Auto Defense

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Dad – ”Son, come in here, we need to talk.” Son – ”What’s up, Dad?”Dad – ”There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?”Son – ”I don’t believe, if I understand the definition of a ‘scratch the car, that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.” Dad – ”Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?”Son – ”Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.”Dad – ”But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?”Son – ”Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did ”I” scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.”Dad – ”Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the mailbox?”Son – ”Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.”Dad- ”So you are saying that you did hit the mailbox?”Son – ”No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.”Dad – ”But the car did hit the mailbox and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?”Son – ”Well yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.”Dad – ”So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?”Son – ”No! No, that’s not correct. Your question was ”Did I scratch the car?” From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car…the mailbox did…I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of ”No” when you asked ”Did I scratch the car” was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.”Dad – ”Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?”Son – ”From the President of the United States.”

The seven wise men

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Once there were seven wise men, who made up there mind to build a pussy of there own design. The first was a carpenter full of wit, with a hammer a chisel he made the slit. the second was a black smith, black as coal with an amble and chisel he made the hole . The third was a fisherman old and bent, with his old gray beard he gave it the scent. The forth was a tailor tall and thin, with a pretty red ribbion he lined it with in. The fith was a furreror, tall and stought, with a hide of a bear he lined it without. The sixth was a doctor with an MD Degree, he patted it and felt it and said it would pee. The seventh was a rabi and a mean litle runt, he kissed it and blessed it and called it a CUNT

True God

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There Were Three Men who wanted to prove that their god was real.So they had to test their god by jumping off a cliff. There was an arabian who believed in ALLAH, a chinese who believed in BUDDAH, and an american who believed in JESUS. First the arabian jumps callin his gods name out loud ALLAH, ALLAH, ALLAH…… SLAP! the arabian dies. Then the chinese man jumps, BUDDAH, BUDDAH,BUDDAH… and floats back up into air proving his god was real. Then now it was the americans turn. He jumps, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS,…. Just before hittin he yells BUDDAH, BUDAH, BUDDAH and floats back up…

Dos marroqu�es est�n pidiendo ayuda

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Dos marroqu�es est�n pidiendo ayuda en la Puerta del Sol de Madrid. Al llegar la noche y recoger los apechusques (b�rtulos, trastos, etc.) le pregunta uno a otro:

“Oye, �cu�nto has sacado hoy?”

“400 pesetas. �Y t�?”

“Yo 400.000 pesetas”, dice el primero ri�ndose. “�Pero qu� es lo que pones en tu cartel?”

“Tengo mujer y tres hijos y no tengo para comer. �Ay�denme por favor!”

El otro le ense�a el suyo donde pone:

“Me hacen falta 1.000 pesetas para regresarme a Marruecos”.