Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Author: admin
Last week the DJ on
Last week the DJ on radio station WZZO in Allentown, PA was discussing David
Hasselhoff, since there was some news item about him. He went on to say that
he liked the show “Knight Rider” much better than “Baywatch”.
He said that Knight Rider was more realistic, since he could more easily
believe that there was a talking car than that Pamela Anderson could form
coherent sentences on her own.
O.J.
What do O.J. Simpson and a toilet have in common?
Their both full of shit.
Changes since Clinton got a dog
1.To avoid confusion, the staff reverts to referring to Madeleine Albright by
name.
2.New �doggy door� makes it easier to sneak out for a midnight run to
McDonalds.
3.At long last, the President doesn’t have to flinch every time he hears �bad
boy!�
4.The President is no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in
someone else’s back yard.
5.Accusations of crotch sniffing at the White House no longer automatically
implicate the President.
6.An obviously angry Socks the Cat sent Kenneth Starr a note reading �Bil kilt
Vyns Fosdr.�
7.Shouts of �come!� from the Lincoln bedroom no longer make the First Lady
suspicious.
8.Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore’s daily to-do list.
9.Roger Clinton is no longer the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.
10.Cries of �what a dog!� no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at White
House functions.
11.To the embarrassment of trainers, the dog still can’t tell Al Gore from a
tree.
12.�Get that horny fur ball off my leg!� no longer refers exclusively to the
President.
13.Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom now find
complimentary �Tootsie Rolls� on their pillows.
A mitad de la madrugada,
A mitad de la madrugada, en un apartado pueblo, llega un ovni y aterriza junto a una gasolinera. Bajan 2 alien�genas con 3 ojos, piel verde y 4 brazos. Uno era el capit�n de la expedici�n, con pistola l�ser en el cintur�n, y el otro, el navegante de la nave.
Se paran frente a una de las bombas despachadoras de combustible, y el capit�n le dice a la bomba:
“Ll�vame ante el presidente de todas las naciones”.
El navegante muy asustado dice, “disc�lpenos se�or, no le haga caso, ya nos vamos”.
“�C�llate!” exclama el capit�n, “aqu� mando yo”. “�Ll�veme con el presidente supremo!” repite a la bomba.
El navegante ya bastante nervioso, le dice, “�disc�lpenos se�or, est� borracho! �Ya nos vamos!”, por lo que vuelve a ser reprendido por el capit�n.
El capit�n, al ver que no hay respuesta de la bomba, toma su pistola l�ser y golpeando el vidrio le dice, “este es un ultim�tum, somos una raza superior, as� que te exijo que me lleves ante el presidente mundial”.
El navegante, al borde de un colapso nervioso, le dice llorando a la bomba de combustible, “�se�or, perd�nelo, ya nos vamos, no se moleste!”
“�C�llate cobarde!, aqu� las �rdenes las doy yo”, le dice el capit�n. Y volteando a ver a la bomba de combustible le insiste, “te exijo, por �ltima vez, que me lleves ante el mandatario supremo de este planeta o atente a las consecuencias”.
Hist�rico el navegante, llorando y gimiendo, le pide perd�n a la bomba. El capit�n, sumamente molesto por que lo estaba dejando en rid�culo y la bomba no contestaba, le advierte: “�te lo dije!” y ��zzzaaaaapppp!!, le dispara a la bomba, y toda la gasolinera explota.
Los extraterrestres salen volando por los aires. Despu�s de tomar tierra, el capit�n le dice al navegante, “a ver, a ver, �por qu� estabas tan nervioso?”, y el navegante responde: “lo amenazas con que somos una especie superior, pero esta raza que acabamos de descubrir, tiene 5 ojos �y jam�s parpade�!, adem�s, �viste el tama�o del miembro de esta especie!, le dan 4 vueltas, se lo echan al hombro y todav�a se dan el lujo de pon�rselo en la oreja, quiere decir, que son ���muuuuy vergas!!!”
Golf Genie
Golf Genie
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”
The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let’s go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.”
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.” the husband replied.
“No, actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes-I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“OK, great!” the husband said. ” I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem-it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife. “I want a house in every country of the world,” she said. “Consider it done.” the genie replied.
“And what’s your wish, genie?”, the husband said. “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?” “
35.” she replied.
“And he still believes in genies?….That’s amazing!”
Massively Kew Knock Knock Jokes!!!
Knock, knock
who�s there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.
Knock, knock
who�s there?
Federal Express
Federal Express who?
I don�t know. I just deliver packages.
Knock, knock
who�s there?
Tom.
Tom who?
Tom Buchanan.
Hi Tom.
Knock
Who�s there?
Pizza delivery guy.
Pizza delivery guy who?
You ordered a pizza?
Yes.
I�m the guy delivering it.
Great.
Knock
Who�s there?
Susan.
Susan who?
Susan Caldwell.
I�ll be right out, Susan.
Knock, knock
who�s there.
You might be a redneck if? You think tobacco is a vegetable.
You might be a redneck if? You think tobacco is a vegetable who?
I thought this was a redneck joke.
Nope. It�s a knock, knock joke.
Oops.
Knock, knock
who�s there?
Boo
Boo who
don�t get so upset, crybaby!
What?
Ha! Ha! I made you say �boo-hook?
You�re a real idiot.
That wasn�t necessary.
Knock
who�s there?
Creeping penis.
Creeping penis who?
I�m not crazy; I just need to get off this island. The doctors don�t believe I
invented the chocolate �clair. But I did. I�m going to burn them all and drink
soup from their skulls! Happy soup! Untie me and I�ll kill you last!
Knock, knock
you mama
you mama who?
You mama so fat, she caught a flesh-eating virus and that was three years ago.
I bet you�re fat, huh?
I�m? Br> you are, aren�t you? Fat!
I�m plumpish.
Knock, knock
who�s there?
FBI!
?bra>? Bra> Hello? FBI! Let us in!
?bra> �nobody hereby> Oh. Let�s go boys!
(Phew!)
Knock, knock
who�s there?
There�s a dead old woman in your driveway.
There�s a dead old woman in your driveway who?
No. Seriously. There�s a dead old woman in your driveway.
Actually, that�s just my piss-drunk bar slut of a grandmother. She sells
toothless mouth love for �mind eraser? Shooters at the Tyson�s Mall TGIFriday�s.
Let the whore sleep it off.
Knock, knock
who�s there?
Henry.
Henry who?
Henry Kissinger. Did you know that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac?
I�m not opening the door Henry.
Damn.
Knock, knock
Tremble mortal and despair? It is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH!
Tremble mortal and despair? It is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH who?
Actually, I�m here for Jones in #D1 but I need to take a monster crap and I
hate to kill and THEN use the bathroom, you know? It�s rude and the other way
around, well it ruins my dramatic entrance. Sober> you want to use my toilet?
Yeah?
Go right ahead.
Got anything to read?
Just the crossword.
You finished it.
Sorry?
Hold my scythe.
Hey! Don�t forget to light a match.
Blondes vs. Computers
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: A blonde won’t accept a 3.5″ floppy.
With Viagra such a hit,
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society….
DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to
perform more childcare tasks — especially cleaning up spills and
“little accidents.”
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only
two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorites store’s return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing
clinical trials on sitting US presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gasses back
into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors”
LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and
Presidential Strength versions.
Some really dirty Riddles
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson’s dreams every night??
A: Hanson.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: What s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn’t follow you around once you’ve used it.
Q: How does a woman know that she is overweight?
A: She’s lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.
Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner??
A: Why the hell should we fix it, we don’t use the damn thing!
Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving
1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake 4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV. 6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.
Q: How many Microsoft
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.