How does a blonde hold her liquor?
By the ears.
Author: admin
Black people smell
why do black people smell?
so blind people can hate them two
For the road
This guy walks into the bar with a piece of
tarmac under his arm, leans over to the barman
and says:”gimme a beer, and one for the road�.
The amazing flying dog
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten
o’clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock;
no plumber.
She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was
out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the
door, said, “Who is it?”
He replied, “It’s the plumber.”
He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come
and let him in. When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot
said, “Who is it?”
He said, “It’s the plumber!”
He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in. He knocked again, and
again the parrot said, “Who is it?”
He said, “It’s the plumber!!!!!!!!”
Again he waited; again she didn’t come; again he knocked; again the parrot
said, “Who is it?”; “Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!” he said, flying into a rage; he
pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and
he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its
hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, “A dead body!” she exclaimed, “Who is
it?!”
The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”
Lawyer Exchanges
Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain’t so bright after all….
1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
2. “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
3. “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
4. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
5. “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
6. “Did he kill you?”
7. “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
8. “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
9. “How many times have you committed suicide?”
10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
11. Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?”
12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”
14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”
15. Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”
16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”
17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”
18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”
A: “Oral.”
19. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
20. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.”
Clinton, Now Bush, Jr.?
The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.
The reality now is that the boy doesn’t have to grow up?!Clinton, Now Bush,
Jr.?
The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.
The reality now is that the boy doesn’t have to grow up?!
DOs and DON’ts Don’t call
Dos and don’ts don’t call on behalf of your son or daughter who attends one of
our fine institutions of higher learning. s/he may not know what the hell is
wrong with the gerbil-powered system you bought for college, but you sure as
s*** don’t know what the error messages say. don’t even *try* it.don’t ask the
tech “can you see what’s on my screen?” no, dumbass, we can’t magically
transform your phone into a viewing screen any more than you can use your
computer without screwing it up.do learn the language of the country you reside
in…or play queue roulette!do thank your lucky stars that i can’t reach through
the phone and choke your dumb ass.
Women’s English
“Yes” = No
“No” = Yes
“Maybe” = No
“I’m sorry.” = you’ll be sorry.
� We need” = I want
“It’s your decision” = the correct decision should be obvious by now.
� Do what you want” = you’ll pay for this later.
� We need to talk” = I need to complain
“Sure… go ahead” = I don’t want you to.
� I’m not upset” = of course I’m upset, you moron!
� You’re … so manly” = you need a shave and you sweat a lot.
� You’re certainly attentive tonight” = is sex all you ever think about?
� Be romantic, turn out the lights” = I have flabby thighs.
� This kitchen is so inconvenient” = I want a new house.
� I want new curtains” = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..
� Hang the picture there” = NO, I mean hang it there!
� I heard a noise” = I noticed you were almost asleep.
� Do you love me?” = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
� How much do you love me?” = I did something today you’re really not going to
like.
� I’ll be ready in a minute.” = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV.
� Is my butt fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful.
� You have to learn to communicate.” = Just agree with me.
� Are you listening to me!?” = [Too late, you’re dead.]
� Was that the baby?” = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he
goes to sleep.
� I’m not yelling!” = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
Stupid Questions on Cruise Ships
These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship. 1. (For this one, you have to know that it’s really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. “We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!”4. There was some mix-up with a woman’s room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, “Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?” She replied, “Well, it looks like it might rain today. I’d better get an inside cabin.”5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with — fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, “Sea water.” “Oh, that explains why it’s so rough today.”6. Someone — always a man — always asks, “Does the ship run on generators?” The Cruise Director usually tells them, “No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland.”7. “What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?”
dirty
you so poor i came in your house and ask to use the bath room and you siad, the second bucket to the right!
Deaf and Dumb
Fred went to the annual dance at the Deaf and Dumb Institute and was impressed by the way the members were able to feel the vibration, the rhythm and beat of the music. He spotted an attractive girl and with gestures and signs asked her to dance.
She nodded and they were soon whirling around the floor. After a bracket of numbers he made signs of drinking.
She nodded and he took her arm and they headed for the bar. On the way a young man tapped the woman on the shoulder.
“What’s this?” he said, “I thought you were going to have a drink with me?”
“I intend to,” she answered, “as soon as I can get rid of this deaf and dumb bastard.”
How to get rid of tapeworm
A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town. After hearing the man’s symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ”Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?” asked the man. ”Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie,” said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cross the man’s face, the doctor said, ”Trust me. I’m the doctor.” So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. ”Drop your pants, and bend over,” says the doctor. ”What?” says the man. ”Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ”Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!” screams the man. ”Hold still and trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. ”Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie,” says the doctor. As the infuriated man starts to protest the doctor says, ”Trust me. I’m the doctor.” So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. ”Drop your pants and bend over,” says the doctor. ”This again?” yells the man. ”Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ”Oh! I can’t believe I’m doing this!” says the man. ”Hold still now and trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. ”Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another lemon cookie,” says the doctor. As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, ”Trust me. I’m the doctor.” So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up his pants, the doctor says, ”Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a hammer.” As the man turns pale the doctor says, ”Trust me. I’m the doctor.” The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the hammer is going to feel like when it gets shoved up in him. He almost stays home, but he still feels sick. So far the treatments haven’t helped and he’s afraid he’ll have to start over if he goes to a new doctor. The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the hammer. ”Drop your pants and bend over,” says the doctor. ”But, why do we need a hammer?” asks the man nervously. ”Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. The man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ”Please!” says the man, terrified of what is to come next. ”Hold still and trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror and he is involuntarily clenching his rear as tight as he can. Then nothing happens. Several more minutes pass and he starts to relax. The man is about to straighten up and ask the doctor what happened when the tapeworm sticks its head out his rear and yells, ”Where’s my lemon cookie?!” And WHAM! Down comes the hammer.