A man walks into an insurance office

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

“Sorry, we don’t need anyone…” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!”

“Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can
sell just one, then you have a job.”

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for
$25,000 and another for $50,000.

“How in the world did you do that?” they asked.
“I told you I’m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything,
anytime!”

“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample.
Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks
in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and
reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on
the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Jone’s and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s.”

“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”

“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers
convention –
so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”

Aerobics Instructor Humor

Q. What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well mannered
professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.

Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.

Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?
A. They both tear hams into shreds.

Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four!…Three!…Two!…One!

Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor
all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
A. It doesn’t matter – none of them exist.

Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn’t cause pain and agony?
A. Unemployed.

Q. What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

Un chico y su novia

Un chico y su novia est�n en un momento muy acalorado. El muchacho le ruega que acceda a hacer el amor y ella se niega rotundamente. �l sigue insistiendo y promete meterle tan s�lo la mitad del miembro.

Ante tanta insistencia, y confiando en la promesa, ella acepta. Cuando est�n en lo mejor, �l no resiste y lo introduce completo, olvidando su promesa. La chica tambi�n se calienta y le pide:

“�M�teme la otra mitad, mi amor!”

El tipo, asombrado, se defiende:

“Promesas son promesas, y yo soy un hombre de palabra”.

Shooting the Bull

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

The Truth

One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river.

When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. “Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.

“Yes.” cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said yes to Mel Gibson.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by calamjo and Curtis