- Tourists (noun)
- People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. “We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were
tourists.”
Author: admin
How to Identify a Lesbian Bar
Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?
A: Not even the pool table has balls.
Golf course
Four blokes are out playing golf.
The first golfer says, “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint all the outside of the house next weekend.”
The second golfer said, “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife I would paint all the rooms in our house.”
The third golfer said, “Man, you’ve both got it easy! I had to promise my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her.”
After a few holes they realized that the other golfer had not said a word, so they asked him, “Didn’t you have to promise your wife anything in order to go golfing?”
The fourth golfer said, “I just set the alarm for 5:30 AM. When it goes off, I give the wife a dig and say, “Golf course or intercourse?,” and she replies, “You had better wear your sweater because it might be cold.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Usefulness is inversely proportional to
Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.
Underwear
What’s the toughest thing to get out of a thirteen year old’s underwear?
Michael Jackson.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Super Bowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No,” he says, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man.
“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven’t been to
together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head.
“No, they’re all at the funeral.”
Submitted by Curtis
Man’s Intelligence
What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
Divorced.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Los inditos, Chano y Mar�a,
Los inditos, Chano y Mar�a, son novios y se quedan de ver en la plaza del pueblo.
Transcurre media hora, una hora… y Chano se comienza a desesperar cuando a lo lejos, por la calle empedrada, viene corriendo Mar�a, dando huarachazos en el suelo.
Enfrente de Chano se tropieza dando una tremenda vuelta de campana, y como no tra�a calzones, se le vio hasta la muela del juicio.
Toda apenada, se levanta como resorte dici�ndole a Chano:
“!Ay Chano, vistes mi agilid�!”
“Pos s� Mar�a, pero en mi pueblo a eso le llaman jundillo”.
How to Get a Free Dr
A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.”But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.”Okay,” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.” The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.” Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.” “Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds.”Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”
Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like
Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is? Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges? Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there? Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
Two brothers
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the
inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed
incredibly long, oversized penises.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for
your elongated penises?”
“No sir, our mother.”
“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit�, but she only had one arm, and when it
came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”
Prostitution
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
“What are you doing?” He says.
She answers, “I’m moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.”
Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m going to Sydney too, I want to see you live on $800 a year”.
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by calamjo