Q: What’s the difference between men and beer?
A: When you’re done with the beer it’s still worth 5 cents.
Author: admin
Actual Bloopers From Church Bulletins
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight
at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear
Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &
FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer conference includes meals.”
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,”
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget
your husbands.”
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers’.
Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone
come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled
due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon
tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you – let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What
is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoy sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a
nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don’t know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a
healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to
follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the
back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in
the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”
Yo mama is so old
Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!
Why is lemon juice made
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Peter Pan
Why does Peter Pan fly?You would fly too if somebody hit your peter with a pan!
Man Goes To A Priest For Advice On His Failing
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going
down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn’t know
what to do. He goes to the priest to seek his advice. He tells the priest
about all of his problems in the business and asks the priest what he should
do.
The priest says, “Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car
and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water’s edge. Take the
beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up.
The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay
open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do.”
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car
and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water’s edge and
opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a
particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the priest. The
man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, his wife is all decked out with a
full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man
hands the priest a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants
to donate this money to the church in order to thank the priest for his
wonderful advice. The priest is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks
him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmatic.
“Why” asks his father?
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?” and I said “6”
“But thats right!”
“Then she asked me ‘how much is 2×3?”
“Whats the fucking difference?”
“Thats what I said!”
Eat with the stars
What a rip-off! Once I ate in a Hollywood restaurant that had a big sign outside’ “EAT WITH THE STARS.”
Turns out the restaurant was a converted planetarium.
Hare Spray
A man is driving in his car down a long road, by a field.
Suddenly, a hare (bunny rabbit) jumps out, and without being
able to swerve that quickly, he un-avoidably runs over the
innocent creature. He immediately pulls over to see the done
damage. So distressed that he has killed the hare, he begins to
cry…
Before he could even realize what had happened, a car had pulled
up behind his, and out gets a gorgeous, 5’10”, slender blonde.
She quickly gets out and asks “What is the matter?” and he told
her the story. She, without a single word, reached into her
purse, pulls out a can, opens it, and sprays the bunny all over
with it.
The man watches in awe, as the bunny jumps up on its feet, hops
ten times, looks back, and waves, hops ten times, looks back,
and waves, hops ten times, looks back, and waves… The hare
continues this until out of sight! The man then asked the blonde
“that’s incredible!!! What on earth is that miracle potion?!?!”
The blonde gives him the can, it reads “Salon Selectives Hair
Spray: Brings life back to dead hairs, adds bounce, and
permanent wave, Instantly”.
Head?
Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.
Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.
So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, “I’ll grant you one wish . . . but i won’t sleep with you.”
Guy says, “Ok then, how ’bout a little head?”
A Gay Man in Heaven
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in.”Follow me.”he said, opening the gate and walking in.After some walk, Saint Peter’s keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn’t resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.Saint Peter was furious.”If you do that again, you’ll go straight to hell! Follow me, we’re almost there.”After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.”Why is it so god damn cold down here?”Peter asks.”Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!” The devil replied.
New Vitamin
The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.It makes men cocky and women lay better.