When is it appropriate to throw a glass of wine in your
Italian girlfriends face?
When her beard is on fire.
Author: admin
Bumper Stickers
Jesus loves you…. Everyone else thinks you’re an ass.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Hang up and drive!
GUYS, no shirt, no service, GALS, no shirt, no charge.
Heart attacks, God’s revenge for eating his animal friends.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Try not to let your mind wonder, Its too small to be out by
itself.
The proctologist called, the found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have any
film.
Some people just don’t know how to drive, I call these people,
“EVERYBODY BUT ME!”
Don’t like my driving, Then quit watching me.
Just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.
Hows My Driving? 1-800-EAT-SHIT
Yo Mama
Yo Mama so stupid she tried to call me on the microwave. 2723456………BEEP
“Dang I Got The Voicemail!”
Tom Dick And Harry
Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo.
The cannibal chief says to them, “If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit.
“So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10 apples. The Chief explains the trial to him, “You must shove the fruits up your butt without any statement on your face or you will be eaten.”
The first apple was okay but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer).
Dick comes back with 10 berries and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn’t think it should be too tough and begins. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. But on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed.
Tom and Dick meet in heaven where Tom asks, “Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!” Dick replied, “I couldn’t help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples.”
Various quotes
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s
going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?”
I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With
Pail…Kitten On Fire…
I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are
furious!
My roomate got a pet elephant and lost it. It’s in the room somewhere.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got
there.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my
yard or I’ll throw it at them.
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What’s Bill Clinton’s least expensive hobby?A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.
There were four nuns, who
There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their
adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now
in their mid forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they
had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the “real” world.
Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their
looks were entirely gone. They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money
from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever
popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.
As soon as they hit Vegas, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the
rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All
dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend “out on the
town” in Vegas, having a marvelous time, and catching the red-eye back home
Sunday night.
Monday morning they went to their parish priest, and asked him if he could
hear their confessions that morning, to which the priest replied, “Certainly
sisters, just line up here outside the confessional, and I’ll hear your
confessions one at a time.”
The first nun entered the confessional, beginning her confession as usual,
and then told the priest about her trip to Vegas…
“Father, I have gambled, I have drunk spirits, I have smoked, and I
had a wonderful time. I also touched a man’s penis with my left hand.”
The priest nearly had heart failure, but slowly he composed himself, and
said to the nun…
“Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Mary’s, perform
one act of charity, and dip your left hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be
forgiven.”
With that, the first nun left, and second nun entered…
“Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have partaken of alcohol,
I have worn make-up, I have used tobacco, and in general I had a terrific time.
Also, I touched a man’s penis with my right hand.”
The priest was nearly catatonic with this news, but as he recovered, he told
the nun…
“Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Mary’s, perform
two acts of charity, and dip your right hand in the Holy Water, and you shall
be forgiven.”
The second nun left, and all of a sudden, all hell broke loose outside the
confessional. The priest opened the door to see the last two nuns fighting,
wrestling on the floor, and destroying their clothes and the church in the
process. The priest shouted at them to stop, saying…
“In Heavens name, stop this, you are sisters! There is no need to
fight like this, over anything. I will hear your confessions equally, please
stop this!”
One nun was sitting astride the other, throttling the nun on the bottom with
one hand, and hitting her with the other. She stopped in mid swing and said…
“Listen Father,… If you think I’m gonna gargle with that Holy
Water, after she’s sat in it, you’ve got another damn think coming!”
Holy Water
3 nuns were allowed to have one night away from the church…so
they traveled all around, and had a blast. The next morning, all
3 lined up in front of the Confession Stand.
The first nun went in and the priest asked her, “What sins have
you committed?” And the nun said, “Well, father, I made love to
a man I met in a bar.” And the Priest thought for about 40
seconds, and said, “You are forgiven, but you must drink of the
holy water.” So she thanked him, and took a big drink, and she
ran off, and threw up. The third nun laughed quietly.
The second nun went in, and he asked her the same question, and
the second nun said, “Well, I made love to a man, and I got very
drunk.” So, the priest thought for 40 seconds, and said, “You’re
forgiven, but you must drink of the holy water.” So, she thanked
him, and went to the water, and drank a lot, she ran and threw
up.
The priest became very confused as they were throwing up, and
the third nun was laughing her head off. She stumbled into the
confession stand. The priest knew she was drunk, and he said,
“What have you done, M’Lady?” And she laughed, and screamed out,
“I pissed and spat in the holy water!”
Bananas don’t usually grow here.
What’s the difference between the United States and a banana republic?
Bananas don’t usually grow here.
Mac Plus Support Call
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus.
She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor’s. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up!
Dumb Riddles!
1. A man builds a house with all four sides facing south. A bear walks
past the house. What colour is the bear?
2. Before the days of motor cars, a man rode into town on his horse. He
arrived on Friday, spent three days in town and left on Friday. How is
that possible?
3. Can a man legally marry his widow’s sister in the state of Arkansas?
4. How much dirt is in a hole four feet deep and two feet wide?
ANSWERS:
1. White. The house is built directly on the North Pole.
2. The horse’s name was Friday.
3. No — he is dead.
4. There’s no dirt in a hole.
DINING OUT
–When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly
so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
–If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
–Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile
home costs just as much as yours.