Boy Sees Elephant

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, “Mummy, what is that long thing?”

His mother replies, “That son, is the elephant’s trunk.”
“No, at the other end.”
“That son is the tail.”
“No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.”
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, “Thats nothing.”

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. “Daddy, what is that long thing?”

“That’s the trunk, son” replies the father.
“No at the other end.”
“Oh, that is the tail.”
“No, no daddy, the thing below,” asks the son in desperation.
“That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?”
“Well mummy said it was nothing,” says the boy.
Replies the father: “I tell you, I spoil that woman …”

Presents for Mother

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.””Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!””Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

Pat&mic

Pat and mic are walking down the street when pat falls down a manhole and mic shouts down “are you alright”, ,
“yes am fine”,pat replies,
“whats down there anyway”,mic asks,
“its seems to be milk”,pat answers,
“well is it pasturised”,mic asks,
“no!its just at ma knees”pat answers.

Six O'Clock News

A brunet and a blonde walk into a bar to watch the six o’clock news.They look at the t.v. to see a clip of a woman threatning to throw herself off a bridge.The brunet turns to the blonde and says”I bet you twenty bucks she’ll jump!”So the blonde says “You’re on!”So they watch and eventually she jumps. So the blonde says”Okay her’s your twenty bucks.” and the brunet says”I can’t take it, i saw the news earlier that had the same story on” So the blonde says “Well yeah so did I but i didn’t think she’d jump again”

The Top 16 Disney Excuses for Using Haitian Sweatshops

!6. “Asian sweatshops all booked solid with Nike orders, and Kathie Lee beat us to the Hondurans.”

15. “How else could we keep the price of a Disneyworld hot dog at a low $6.25?”

14. “It’s super-taxfree-imperialistic-export-price-bodacious.”

13. “They’re a helluva lot cheaper than those lazy Taiwanese!”

12. “You mean Papa Doc and Baby Doc weren’t cartoon characters?”

11. “Hey! When we had a bunch of dwarves working all day in a mine, you thought it was *cute*!”

10. “How the #$@$@%& else can we put a $3 toy in a $2.50 Happy Meal?”

9. “It’s a Capitalist world, after all… and we’re an uncaring, cheapass company.”

8. “Crappiest Place On Earth” sign over factory entrance never fails to make that scamp Eisner giggle on visits.

7. “We’re just trying to earn our ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ title.”

6. “It’s all we could afford after we paid those Korean animators 17 cents an hour to make ‘The Lion King.'”

5. “It gives those losers at Top 5 something to whine about.”

4. “We prefer to think of them as ‘enchanted sewing cottages.'”

3. “Mr. Eisner gets a kick out of the fact that the entire factory makes less per day than he makes each time he blinks his eyes.”

2. “Hatians learn much more quickly than our second choice, Canadians.”

1. “Zip-a-dee-do-dah, Zip-a-dee-ay! 16-hours-for-a-dollar-a-day!”

Hilary’s Question

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Plan to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: “Will I be acquitted?”

The Show That Never Ends

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, “I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?”

“I’ll ask her,” the young man responded. Then he opened his door and called out, “Honey, would you like to see ‘Oliver Twist’ tonight?”

“Hey, Pal,” she retorted. “If you show me one more trick with that thing, I’m going home to mother.”

Deserted Island

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
* 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
* 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
* 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
* 2 American men and 1 American woman

One month later, the following things have occurred…

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.

* The two German men keep a strict weekly schedule of when each is allowed to spend time with the German woman.

*The two Greek men have the Greek woman cooking and cleaning for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

* The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is busy checking out all the other men.

* Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep to clothe their women.

* The Irish divided the island into North and South and are setting up a distillery.

* The American woman keeps ranting about the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that men can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men have joined the Polish men who are swimming out to sea.