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The teacher asked the third grade class to use the word
“contagious” in a sentence.
Ben raised his hand and said, “The measles are contagious.”
Emma followed up with, “The chicken pox are contagious.”
Little Johnny chimed in, “Me and my dad were watching the match
when I did my homework and the man across the street was
building a wall, it was raining. My dad said, ‘It’s gonna take
that cunt ages!'”
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately!
It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn’t have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, “He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating “this deadly gas.” Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
Sob�ndose su tremenda barrigota y despu�s de eructar, un can�bal le dice a otro:
“�Bruuup! �Yo no volver a comer monja!”
“�Por qu�, Burundanga?”
“Porque, �puaaf… saber a madre!”
Small group of OSCE officials, followed by Serbian police is travelling on a highway somewhere in the zone of recent heavy fights. Soon they come across several bodies beside the road.”What is this?” An officer of OSCE asks Serbian policeman.”They probably ate these poisonous mushrooms.” he says pointing to some growing nearby, “There are so many of them around here,”They continue their travel. But after few miles they come across similar picture. Again an officer of OSCE asks police what all this mean.”Well, sir, I am quite sure that they too are dead because of the mushrooms” says a policeman.”Why the hell they have holes in their heads, then?” Shouted the officer.”They refused to eat mushrooms, sir” responded another policeman.
(She goes into the back room and returns a few minutes later)
Jon’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz
saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes
to the emergency room.
The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see
what I can do.”
Jon says, “I haven’t got the fingers.”
The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers?
It’s 1998. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible
techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new.
Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”
Jon says, “Well, shit, Doc, I couldn’t pick ’em up.”
Yo mommas so ugly that when she was a baby her incubator in the hospital had to have tinted windows
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked in on her mom getting out of the
shower. Pointing to her chest she asked her “What are those?”
Hilary�s response was “Oh honey, those are my breasts�.
Chelsea asked, “Will I get breasts?”
“Yes, when you’re older.” said Hillary.
A day or two later Chelsea walked in on her dad getting out of the shower.
Pointing towards his penis, she asked, “What’s that?”
Bill responded “Oh honey, that�s my penis.”
Chelsea asked, “Will I get a penis?”
Bill responded, “Yes, when your mother leaves�.
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete’s performance.In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.After sex, they glance at their watches and say, “Oops, gotta run!”
My wife and I were watching a show on The Learning Channel titled, “A Dog’s World.”
One segment focused on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other things. “Basically,” the narrator said, “dogs are leaving each other messages.”
I looked at my wife and said, “So I guess we could call it p-mail.”