Mainframe – The part of the house that holds up the roof
Author: admin
Kodak Moment
What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
They both capture the moment!
1 inch equals a mile
Q. What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common?
A. All it takes is one prick and it�s all over.
The Mexican Firefigh
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons? Hose A and Hose B
For the Birds
There was an eagle who hadn’t had any in a while. One day he was flying around and really horny and he found a dove. He captured the dove, took it behind the bushes, and had his way with it. A few minutes later the dove came out and said ” I’m a dove and I’m in love.”
A little while later the eagle was flying around again and again he was horny. He found a goose flying around, so he captured the goose, took it behind the bushes, had his way with it. A couple of minutes later the goose came out and said “I’m a goose and I’m loose.”
Well after all this most eagles are ready for a nap, but not this eagle. He was up flying around again and found a duck. He captured the duck, took it behind the bushes, and had its way with it.
A second later the duck came out and said “I’m a drake and there’s been a big mistake!!!”
Blowjob Etiquette
Blowjob Etiquette
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 – So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone’s face.
4. Extension to rule #3 – No, I DON’T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 – do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” – get it through your head – I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 – “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls -if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV…etc…. immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc….
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning.”
Grandmas
Why are Grandmas so nice?
There’s no kids and no periods.
Grandma’s Idea
Betsy Sue Jim Bob was walking down the street when she noticed her grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing?’ she exclaimed.
The old ma looked off in the distance without answering.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?’ she asked again.
The old man slowly looked at her and said, ‘Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.
Fortune
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.”
“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too!”
Una viuda rica y solitaria
Una viuda rica y solitaria decidi� que necesitaba otro hombre en su vida y puso un anuncio que dec�a:
VIUDA MILLONARIA BUSCA UN HOMBRE PARA COMPARTIR SU VIDA Y FORTUNA, CON LAS SIGUIENTES CARACTERISTICAS:
1. QUE NO ME GOLPEE
2. QUE NO SA VAYA NUNCA DE MI LADO
3. QUE SEA EXTRAORDINARIO EN LA CAMA
Por varios meses, su tel�fono son� incansablemente, el timbre de la puerta sonaba sin cesar, recibi� toneladas de cartas, pero ninguno de los hombres parec�a cumplir sus requisitos.
Un d�a el timbre son� nuevamente. La mujer abri� la puerta para encontrar un hombre sin brazos ni piernas. Perpleja, le pregunt�, “�Qui�n es usted y qu� desea?”
“Hola. Su b�squeda ha terminado. Yo soy el hombre de sus sue�os. No tengo brazos, as� que no puedo golpearla, y no tengo piernas, as� que no puedo alejarme de su lado.”
“Muy bien, pero �qu� le hace pensar que sea tan extraordinario en la cama?”
“�C�mo cree que hice sonar el timbre?”
Grenade
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Run! She’s got a grenade in her mouth!
Puzzled
there was a blond who was putting together a puzle.she was verry frusterated because she couldent put it together so she decitedto ask her husband fore help. “its supost to be a tiger.”she said really frusterated. her husband said “put the corn flakes back in the box!!”