10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There’s a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is…
1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.
Author: admin
Great Thinkers of Our Time?
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with
all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey
“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other
similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.”
–Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22
“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”
–David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed
to pay his taxes.
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of
your life.”
–Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
anti-smoking campaign
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country.”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
–Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
the president.”
–Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”
–Former French President Charles De Gaulle
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
I’m just the one to do it.”
–A congressional candidate in Texas
“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame
for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings?
The killers are to blame.”
–Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues
behind the Los Angeles Riots
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it.”
–Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
–General William Westmoreland
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is.”
–Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the
United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line “a mind is
a terrible thing to waste”
“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut
right out from under your feet.”
–Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
–Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
(6/16/98) And just the other day, our boy Dan Quayle was quoted as saying
that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would
beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running
again…
Being black
It is hard being black.
We get the bad end of the deal with every sport.
Hockey, you’re slappin a black puck around.
Pool, you have a white ball trying to knock you in a hole.
The only thing we have is bowling, where you have a black ball trying to knock down ten rednecks.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Church Collection Distribution
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.
The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.
The rabbi said, “I’ve got you both beat.
I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!”
Peat-za
Knock-Knock.
Who is there?
Peat.
Peat who?
Peat-za,
Chicken
who crossed the road?
The chicken
Ho-down!
Why do black men not go square dancing?
Every time some one yells “hoe down”, they turn to see if their sister got shot!
WHAT DOES A WOMAN AN
THEY BOTH WIGGLE WHEN U EAT EM.
Poor Jim
Jim was in a terrible wreck. He was taken to the hospital where he remained comatose for two weeks and when he awake he was ravenous. Finding the call button he rang for the nurse and asked if he could have something to eat.
She told him, “You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut. I can’t think of anything that you could eat in that condition.”
“Well, could I ‘pwease’ have a cup of coffee?” Jim asked through clenched jaw.
“We’ll try,” the nurse told him. “Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth.”
But try as they would, it just wouldn’t go. Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the nurse finally said, “Maybe we could give it to you in an enema”
She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up.
“Is it too hot?” the nurse asked.
“No, but could you put some sugar in it?!”
Honeymoon Breakfast
The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted. Then he spoke: “Have you noticed just what I have done?”
“Of course, dear. Every single detail!”
“Good. That’s how I want my breakfast served every morning.”
How many Pentium chip designers does it take to change a light bulb?
1.99934342, but that’s close enough for the average peron.
In Mourning
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, “Why the panties?”She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.” He knows he’s not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this – a black condom?”He replies, “I’m going to offer my condolences.”