Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the
Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in
apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up
completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery
was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads.
The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a
complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out
that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier’s
target-seeker had locked on to the ‘enemy’ radar and triggered an
automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?) the
Harrier was operating unarmed.
Author: admin
Swimming the English
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.”
Yo mamma
yo mommas so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch
1 eyed dog
A blonde and a brounet are walking down the street. the brounet says to the blonde look at that dog with one eye
The blonde covers her eye and replies were
Insider's Guide
“Haven’t I seen you before?” == “Nice ass.””I’m a Romantic.” == “I’m poor.””I need you.” == “My hand is tired.””I am different from all the other guys.” == “I am not circumcised.””I want a commitment.” == “I’m sick of masturbation.””You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.” == “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.””I really want to get to know you better.” == “So I can tell my friends about it.””It’s just orange juice, try it.” == “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.””She’s kinda cute.” == “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.””I don’t know if I like her.” == “She won’t sleep with me.””I miss you so much.” == “I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.””Was it good for you?” == “I’m insecure about my manhood.””How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?” == “Is my penis really that small?””I had a wonderful time last night.” == “Who the hell are you?””Do you love me?” == “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.””Do you ‘really’ love me?” == “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.””How much do you love me?” == “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.””I have something to tell you.” == “Get tested.””I’ll give you a call.” == “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.””I’ve been thinking a lot.” == “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.””I think we should just be friends.” == “You’re ugly.””I’ve learned a lot from you.” == “Next!!!!””I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?” == “I gotta turn on my answering machine.”
Chicken…Underwear
Why don’t chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces!
He Might Know You
There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says “Did you know you were speeding back there.”The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns to his wife and said “He said I was speeding.” The officer then said “Where are you from?”The man replied “Chicago”The wife then says “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns to his wife and said, “He wanted to know where we came from.”The officer then said “Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago.”The lady then says “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns back and says “He says he thinks he knows you.”
Police Blurbs
…With a little help from our friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up!”
…What was plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. (“zero-intelligence” policy).
…Some days, it just doesn’t pay to gnaw through the leather straps!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month — a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system.”
…The getaway!
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
…Too well educated?
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. “There are too many business grads out there,” he said. “If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.”
…Did I say that?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
…Ouch, that smarts!!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.
…Are we are communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”
…Not the sharpest knife in the drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
Girls Night Out
So … the other day, my friends and I went to this “Ladies Night
Club.”
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.
The “dancer” came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put
it on his butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls
the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt
cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend
pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the
$50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the
attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet, thought for a minute … and then the financial
analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the
crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!
You know if your a redneck if ……….
you have 4 or more billy basses in your house.
your definition of fast food is hitting a deer with your truck.
your dad walks you to school because you and him are in the same grade.
you think that silence of the lambs is when you walk into the barn and the lambs are quiet.
when someone says it is a howdown you throw your girlfriend on the ground. you put a quarter in a parking meter and wait for a gumball to come out. you stand at a stopsign and wait for it to turn green
She Is So Blonde… Taco Bell
She is so blonde; she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
Political Quotes
“I resent your insinuendoes.”
“No man is an Ireland.”
“If we don’t make some changes, the status quo will remain the same.”
“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
“I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate.” — Dan Quayle
“If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave.”
“We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report.”
“Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository.”
“Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation.” — Marion Berry
“Let’s jump off that bridge when we come to it.”
“To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility.”
“I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators.”
“If somebody’s gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there.”
“When you’re talking to me, keep your mouth shut.”
“Let’s do this in one foul swoop.”
“I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session.”
“We’ll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger.”
“I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks.”
“The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13.”
“I hate to confuse myself with the facts.”
“We have a permanent plan for the time being.”
“Family planning has many misconceptions.”
“The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city.”
“My knowledge is no match for his ignorance.”
“As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state.”
“These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he’s talking about.”
“People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on.”
“In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema.”