Knock KnockWho’s there?France!France who?France of the family!
Author: admin
Look at my clock!
Bill Clinton is sitting next to a White House intern one day at a gathering.
The President says to her, “Would you like to come to the Oval office and see my clock?”
She says, “No, Mr. President, I don’t think so.”
The President replies, “Please. I’d really like to show it to you.”
“No, Mr. President, I really can’t.”
“Come on. Come and see my clock. It’ll only take a minute.”
“All right. If it won’t take long.”
They go to the Oval Office. The President sits down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick.
The intern says, “That’s not a clock, it’s a cock.”
To which the President says, “If you put two hands and a face on it, it’s a clock, sweetheart.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis and Yisman
Much improved
The other day at work I ran into Rob.
We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me. “Rodney,” he said, “Becky and I are going to get a divorce.”
I was stunned. “Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together.”
“Well,” he said, “ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”
“Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you?” I probed.
“Nah, I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Lions in the park
Little Yitzhak was talking to his best friend Harry.
�Harry,� he says, �I was surrounded by lions in the park this afternoon.�
�What,� says Harry, �lions in the park?�
�Yes,� replies Yitzhak, �dandelions.�
Weird Notes
– At one time in Holland it took four years to train to be a hatmaker but only three years to train to be a surgeon.- Despite the many rat invested slums in New York City, only 311 people are bitten by rats in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers.- No one knows why, but 90 percent of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right.- The term skyscraper was first used way back in 1888 to describe an 11 story building.- Adults average only one nightmare a year, but typically have seven sexual fantasies a day.- There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million.- During his entire lifetime, Herman Melville’s timeless classic of the sea, ‘Moby Dick’, only sold 50 copies. (DeepJoke sez “Gee, I wonder why?”)- Drivers tend to drive faster when other cars are around. It doesn’t matter whether they are in front, behind or beside them.- A small tribe named the Todas in southern India don’t greet each other with a handshake, they thumb their noses.- The host team in an NFL football game must have 26 footballs inflated and ready to play.- The world’s greatest lover was King Mongut of Siam. He had 9,000 wives. Before dying of syphilis he was quoted in saying he only loved the first 700.
Policemen in Heaven
St Peter is standing at Heaven’s gate when a man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.”I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.””Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.”A few moments later a second man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.”I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travellers.””Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.”A few moments later a third man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.”I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir.””Excellent my son… I’ve gotta take a pee, watch the gate, will ya?”
more ways to drown a
How do you drown a blonde?When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants.
Married vs bachelors
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t?Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
The next week, The same guy goes into the…
The next week, The same guy goes into the same restaurant, but with a different friend, His friend sees the chef standing in the corner moving his hands real fast around his johnson, and his friend is like “What the hell is he doing!??!”He said. “He’s making doughnuts…wait till you see where he keeps the hot dogs. “
SciFi Writers
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two, but it’s actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one’s shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
POPULATING THE EARTH
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and
Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.”
Adam answered, “Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?” So the Lord gave a brief
description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord that was
enjoyable.”
And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I’d
like you to caress Eve.”
And Adam said, ��what is a ‘caress’? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief
description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “‘Lord, that was
even better than the kiss.” And the Lord said, “‘You’ve done well Adam. And now
I want you to make love to Eve.”
And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?”‘ So the Lord again gave Adam
directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he
reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”
Missionary soup
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water. They build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can’t believe it! He says, “What’s wrong with you? We’re being boiled alive! They’re gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?”The other missionary says, “I just peed in the soup!”