Author: admin

Chain Saw Massacre

Posted on by admin

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.”

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, “Lying bastard!”

“Silence in the court!” the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to be defendant and says, “you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel”

“Damn tightwad” the same man in the gallery blurted out

“I said QUIET!” yelled the judge. To the defendant, “you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

“You jackass!” the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley: “If you don’t tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I’ll hold you in contempt!”

The man answered back, “I’ve lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!!

Caca rajita de canela: Es

Posted on by admin

Caca rajita de canela: Es aquella que queda marcada en la ropa interior (tambi�n conocida como derrap�n).

Caca Dr�cula: Es aquella que deja sangre en el papel higi�nico.

Caca fantasma: Cuando uno siente que se est� cagando pero al sentarse en el excusado no sale nada.

Caca perfecta: Es cuando uno caga, se limpia y ve que el papel higi�nico est� completamente limpio: listo para sonarse la nariz.

Caca h�meda: Cuando, no importando que te hayas limpiado 50 veces, sigues sintiendo el culo h�medo. Entonces decides ponerte un poco de papel entre la cola y la ropa interior y sales del ba�o disimulando la incomodidad.

Caca ‘encore’: Cuando ya habiendo cagado te est�s levantando los pantalones y a medio camino, apenas por las rodillas, sientes que todav�a queda m�s por cagar.

Caca tipo isla: Esta ocurre cuando la cagada es de tales proporciones �picas, que la mierda supera la l�nea del agua del inodoro formando una peque�a monta�a de tierra seca. Suele requerir dos bajadas a la palanca para que se vaya completamente por el ca�o.

Caca explosiva: Esta va acompa�ada de ruidosos gases y suele ser escuchada por todos los habitantes de la vivienda.

Caca alcoh�lica: Muy com�n despu�s de una noche de beber y beber. Se caracteriza por los pincelazos que deja a su paso sobre las paredes interiores del inodoro. Es de color negro, excesivamente olorosa y tiene una consistencia poco s�lida.

Caca quiero pero no puedo: Cuando uno siente que se est� cagando y se sienta en el inodoro, pero al cabo de unos minutos sin poder cagar decide regresar m�s tarde.

Caca parto dif�cil: Esa que duele tanto al salir que uno piensa que el moj�n est� saliendo atravesado.

Caca ‘splash!’: Es la que viene tan r�pido y tan pesada que al caer en el agua nos salpica las nalgas y el culo, haci�ndonos encabronar.

Caca alta sociedad: Es aquel tipo de caca que no tiene olor.

Caca esp�a: D�cese de aquella que despu�s de haber jalado la cadena regresa sorpresivamente.

Caca de exhibici�n: La clase de cagada tan monstruosa que es dif�cil creer que haya sido producida por un ser humano. El creador suele dejar su obra en el inodoro para que todos la aprecien y evita arrojar el papel higi�nico encima para no obstruir la visi�n de su obra.

Caca estalactita: Es esa que parece venir en una sola tira y que por m�s que uno intente fruncir el ano no se corta. Suele colgar unos instantes hasta que uno comienza a agitar las caderas.

Caca sorpresa: Es ese tipo de cagada que uno piensa que puede aguantar, por lo que entonces decide no ir al ba�o, pero…

Caca orgullosa: Cuando uno lucha tanto con el moj�n que una vez que logra sacarlo lo primero que hace al salir del ba�o es cont�rselo a alg�n amigo.

Caca ritual: Es la que ocurre a la misma hora, d�a tras d�a. Genera costumbres como: no puedo dormir si no cago a las 22:30, etc.

Caca gru�ona: Es la clase de cagada de tal tama�o que no sale sin asistencia vocal.

Caca mosca: Es esa que queda prendida de las paredes del inodoro y el agua no consigue despegar. Suele retirarse con un trozo peque�o de papel higi�nico.

Caca �y ahora?: Sucede cuando uno, despu�s de cagar, observa que no hay papel. Suelen sacrificarse las hojas del peri�dico o revista que se tenga a la mano; una media o calcet�n; incluso el tubo de cart�n del rollo de papel vac�o, finamente despegado capa por capa y enrollado y desenrollado varias veces para darle suavidad y textura al material resultante.

A Man’s Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks

Posted on by admin

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU?”

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.

14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying?

Wanna Hear A Redneck Story?

Posted on by admin

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, “Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?”

The guy says, “Buddy, I’m six feet, 210 pounds, an’ ma name’s Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there’s Bubba. He’s 225 pounds of solid muscle and he’s a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike’s a trucker who weighs 295 and he’s a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?”

The fella says, “Naw, you’re right. . . I’d hate to have to explain it three times!”

Student Raise of Grade Form

Posted on by admin

Dear Professor:______________________________Date:________

My grade in _______________ should be raised from __________ to ______ because:

There must be a mistake somewhere.

I was not well at the time of the examination.

My mind always goes blank during an examination.

This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.

This is the only course in which I received a poor grade

This mark grieved my mother (or Father). whose pride I am.

Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.

The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject

I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.

I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.

I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.

Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.

The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.

I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student – you just ask any one of them.

The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.

Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.

I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question

I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students

At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.

It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.

Signed___________________