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An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life.
Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtains, and my wife…she goes wild!
Un tipo acude con su m�dico:
“Doctor, tengo un problema con mi mujer: todas las noches, cuando ya estamos dormidos, ella sue�a que va conduciendo un autom�vil est�ndar; me agarra el miembro como si fuera la palanca de velocidades y mete la primer velocidad; mete la segunda; mete la tercera, y as� se la pasa toda la noche y, la verdad, a veces llega a ser muy doloroso y no s� que hacer.
“Mire, en la noche cuando se duerman y su esposa empiece a so�ar que est� conduciendo d�gale: Mi amor, cuidado, una vaca en el camino. Ver� que a su mujer se le acabar� ese sue�o”.
El hombre sale de la consulta decidido a ponerle fin a esa situaci�n. Cuando llega la noche y est�n dormidos, la se�ora empieza a so�ar que va conduciendo y mete primera y mete segunda y mete tercera; cuando va a meter cuarta, el marido sigue el consejo del m�dico y le grita:
“�Mi amor, mi amor, una vaca en el camino!”
Sin despertarse, la mujer le agarra un test�culo; lo aprieta e imita el sonido de un claxon:
“Piiip, piiiiiipp.”
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology”.
The town’s fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
“Hysteria and Posteriors”.
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
“Schizoids and Hemorrhoids”.
No go, so they tried:
“Catatonics and High Colonics”.
Thumbs down again, so they tried:
“Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.”:
Still not good, so they tried:
“Minds and Behinds”.
Still no go. Nor did:
“Analysis and Anal Cysts”,
“Nuts and Butts”,
“Freaks and Cheeks” or
“Loons and Moons” work either, so they finally settled on:
“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”
Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, “If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?”
The first lady thinks for a minute and says, “Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime.”
The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, “7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up.”
The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, “Jack Daniels.”
The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, “Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.”
The third lady says, “Yep, thats my Larry!”
Q. What’s the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?
A. One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small children. The other is used to hold groceries.
Q. What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
A. It’s warmer, it’s tighter, and it’s degrading to the woman.
One day Johnny walks in on his mother showering and he asks her “what that tuff of hair”” is she says “”its mommys airport sweety””
“”ok”” the next day he walks in on his dad showering and he askes “”wut that long thing”” he says “”its an airplane”” “”ok”” then that night he walks in his parents having a little rondevu and he screams out “”daddy your plane crashed into mommies airport and now the head lights are getting bigger
“
Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. – Claude Shouse
Years ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbour’s 10 year old daughter’s rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it’s cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it’s grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it’s cage, hoping it’s death would be written off as “natural causes”.
Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbour’s Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: “DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in it’s cage??”
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.
Two gaymen [Bobby and Peter] are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men [Peter] just can’t bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours nonstop. When he’s done, the gorilla throws Peter back out of the cage
. An ambulance is called and Peter is taken away to the hospital.
The next day Bobby visits him in the hospital and asks, “Are you hurt?”
“AM I HURT?”, Peter shouts, “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t written…….”
– Hospital diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
– Never look happy in front of your doctor, he will know you
have done something wrong.
– Never go to a doctor if his house plants have died.
– Many people suffer poor health, not because of what they eat
but from what is eating them.
– An apple a day will keep the doctor away; an onion a day will
keep everyone away.
– Happiness is when your doctor tells you to gain 10 pounds.
– Why do nurses wake me up to give me a sleeping pill?
– If you think time heals everything, try sitting it out in a
doctor’s office.
– My doctor answers all the questions, but my wife questions
all the answers.
– Eat, exercise, die anyway!
– The secret of good health is to start doing what you should
have been doing 30 years ago.
– Women don’t live longer, it’s just men that die sooner.
– Cancer cures smoking.
– If men are God’s gift to women, then God must really love gag
gifts.
– When the doctor gives you one of those skimpy gowns, you know
that the end is in sight.