A few more curses

May you be named Ben Ladden and be paged over the PA system at the Army-Navy game.

May you be forced to eat worms, run naked in front of your friends, be humiliated by a stern Englishwoman and not become famous on a reality TV show.

May you spend eternity in an elevator with the Wazzup guys.

May you be Saddam’s food taster.

May it be that wherever you are, whatever you do, you can’t get the song “Seasons in the Sun” out of your head. Not the Jacques Brel original, the one by that idiot Terry Jacks. You know the one.

Lieing to a cop

A man going down the highway is pulled over by a cop for speeding , the officer said can i see your license the man in the car says sorry i dont have my license i stole this car,then the officer said can i look in the trunk,the man replies no theres a dead body of a lady in there,the officer said theres a dead lady in the trunk?the man replies yes, the officer says what did u use to kill her? the man replies the gun in my glove capartment. The officer calls for backup and when it comes they check out the license plates of the mans car its his car, they check his glove capartment theres no gun,and they check the trunk and theres no body, the officer walks up to the man and the man replies so i betcha that lieing son of a b*tch told you i was speeding to?

The kind lawyer!

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”

Bad Neighbours

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”

The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?”

“$7.98.” said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

En una cantina, un tipo

En una cantina, un tipo estaba besando a una ara�a que llevaba consigo. El cantinero, sorprendido, le pregunta el por qu� de tanto amor al ar�cnido.

“Es que me ha hecho ganar mucho dinero”.

A�n m�s intrigado, el cantinero le pregunta c�mo es que una ara�a le puede hacer ganar mucho dinero. El sujeto le explica que su ara�uela puede levantar lo que �l le diga.

El cantinero, incr�dulo, le apuesta al tipo:

“Te doy 1,000 pesos, si tu ara�a levanta una botella de cerveza”.

El tipo le ordena a su ara�a:

“Ara�ita, levanta la botella de cerveza”.

Llega la ara�a y levanta la botella de cerveza.

El cantinero no cre�a lo que ve�a, pero no estaba dispuesto a perder su dinero:

“Est� bien, te apuesto 5,000 pesos a que no levanta la mesa en la que estamos”.

El tipo le pide a su ara�a que levante la mesa y �sta la levanta.

Exasperado, el cantinero, exclama:

“�Me lleva la chingada! �Te regalo mi cantina y todo el dinero que hay en ella, si tu pinche ara�ita levanta la barra, con todos los borrachos que hay aqu�, y si no, t� me regalas tu ara�a, va!”

El hombre lo piensa un poco y acepta la apuesta. Todos los parroquianos se suben a la barra, incluyendo al cantinero y al due�o del ar�cnido. En eso, un sujeto entra y mira a todos trepados arriba de la barra observando a la ara�a y les dice:

“�Puta madre, tanto miedo a un pinche insecto!”, y agarra el tipo y la pisa.

Golfer Goes to the Emergency Room

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her
ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked
over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball…
stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. “That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!”

Zebra’s Color

One day a zebra went a lion, the king of the jungled, and asked,
“Am I black with white stripes or white with black stipes.” The
lion replied, “I don’t know. Go ask God.”

So the zebra went to ask God. God said, “You are what you are.”

The zebra went back and told the lion what god said. The lion
said, “You must be white with black stripes.” “Why”, asked the
zebra. The lion replied, “Because if you were black with white
stripes God would of said ‘you is what you is.'”

Who’s Fishing?

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation…

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

“Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”