DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where certain bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment.”I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail,” he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, “Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?”
Author: admin
The Statue
There was this guy who worked as a stockbroker. Being a stockbroker, he led a very tense kind of life. So one day, he decided that enough is enough, I am going away to somewhere to relax. So he visited all the travel agencies in his town, and decided on a trip to a really unpopulated island. So off he went.
Upon reaching the island, he was overwhelmed by the beauty of the place. He had also heard from the locals about this very beautiful lake located nearby. So after putting down his stuff, he decided to explore the island by himself, to see the lake for himself. So he trekked across the terrain, armed with a towel and a cake of soap. It was then that he saw the lake. It indeed was most beautiful lake he had ever seen in his whole life. He could not control his desire to go for a dip in the lake. However, he also realised that he had forgot his trunks.
Looking around, he then told himself that it would be rather safe to swim naked here, since there was no one around within 5 miles. So off came his shorts, and into the water he went. What a fantastic feeling! He was so engrossed that he did not realise a group of young convent nuns approaching. When he finally did realise, he had run out of time, so he jumped out of the water and pretended to be a statue. Holding his towel on his right hand and the cake of soap on his left hand, he could only stay very still and pray that the nuns were just passing through.
As luck would have had it, the group of convent nuns were actually here to have their shower. As they started to undress, the guy realised that some of them had the most wonderful figures the man had ever set his eyes on. Naturally, he began to get a hard-on. After swimming in the lake for a while, one of the nuns finally saw the ‘statue’ from afar. So she ran towards it to take a closer look. She saw a funny looking lever at the bottom, and started to tug at it. The man started to squirm, and got weak in his right arm. Poof, down came to towel .
The nun ran back enthusiastically and exclaimed, “Hey look, PULL the lever and get a towel!”
So a second nun came along and tugged at the lever. Again, the man started to squirm, and poof, down came the cake of soap.
So the second nun ran back enthusiastically and exclaimed, “Hey look, PULL the lever and get a free cake of soap!”
A third nun then came along, and tugged at the “lever”, hoping for some freebies. By this time, the man was already on the verge of a climax, having been handled by two women. The third nun continued to pull the lever furiously, but without success.
Finally, she went back and told the earlier two nuns, ” I pulled the lever so many times, and all I got was some shampoo…”.
Guy Speak Translated
“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”Really means: “As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.””It’s a guy thing.”Really means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.””Can I help with dinner?”Really means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?””Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”Really means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.”Good idea.”Really means: “It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.””Have you lost weight?”Really means: “I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.””My wife doesn’t understand me.”Really means: “She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.””It would take too long to explain.”Really means: “I have no idea how it works.””I’m getting more exercise lately.”Really means: “The batteries in the remote are dead.””I got a lot done.”Really means: “I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.””We’re going to be late.”Really means: “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.””You cook just like my mother used to.”Really means: “She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.””Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”Really means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.””That’s interesting, dear.”Really means: “Are you still talking?””Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”Really means: “I forgot our anniversary. Again.””You expect too much of me.”Really means: “You want me to stay awake.””It’s a really good movie.”Really means: “It’s got guns, babes, fast cars.””That’s women’s work.”Really means: “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.””Will you marry me?”Really means: “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.””Go ask your mother.”Really means: “I am incapable of making a decision.””I do help around the house.”Really means: “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.””Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”Really means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.””I can’t find it.”Really means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.””What did I do this time?”Really means: “What did you catch me at?””She’s one of those rabid feminists.”Really means: “She refused to make my coffee.””I heard you.”Really means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.””You know I could never love anyone else.”Really means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.””You look terrific.”Really means: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.””I brought you a present.”Really means: “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.””I missed you.”Really means: “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.””I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”Really means: “No one will ever see us alive again.””We share the housework.”Really means: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.””Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”Really means: “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?””It sure snowed last night.”Really means: “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.””I don’t need to read the instructions.”Really means: “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.””I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”Really means: “This time we won’t use the drive-thru window.”
Second Opinion
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”
Woman an Man
Woman: If you were my husband I’d poison your coffee.
Man: And if you were my wife, I’d drink it.
Dentist
A guy and a gal meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes….how did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, “You must be a really good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Well yes, I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”
“I didn’t feel a thing!”
Submitted by bennto
Edited by Calamjo
Confession booth 2
Fellow goes to confession and tells the priest “Father, I’ve done something terrible. I just know they’re going to throw me out of the church for this one.” “Hold, on,” says the priest, “what have you done that’s so bad they’re going to throw you out of the church?” “Yesterday, my wife was bent over a sack of potatoes and I looked at her ass and got so turned on I went lifted her skirt and had sex with her right there and then.” “There’s nothing wrong with that,” says the priest, “you’re allowed to have sex with your wife. Why on earth would you think they would throw you out of the church for that?” “Well,” the man said, “they threw us out of the grocery store.”
Blonde Q&A
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted !
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
Q: Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders
A: Because they can’t even keep two calves together!
Q: What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They’ve never met.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She’d just dyed her hair.
A2: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown
around too much.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they’re on their back.
Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a
recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of ’em in a car and the’re fucked.
Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme ?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
You Might be From a Small Town If:
1. You can name everyone you graduated with
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
3. You know what 4-H is
4. You ever went to “headlight parties”
5. You used to drag “main”
6. You said the ‘f’ word and your parents knew within the hour
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won’t
8. You ever went cow-tipping
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the ‘buyer’ for all of the best parties
10. You have parties at the same guy’s house
12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events
13. The town social events are their children’s
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they’d tell your parents, anyhow)
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them
16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut
17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade
18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming
19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself
20. No place sells gas on Sunday
21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)
22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks
23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town
24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date
25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog
26. You had senior skip day
27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation
28. The only ‘clique’ that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street
30. You don’t give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs’ Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons’, and it’s four houses left of the track field)
Dear Jesus: I’ll Be a Good Boy
There once was this boy and he always got into trouble. One day
he and his mother were shopping and he saw this bicycle that he
fell in love with. He asked his mother if she would buy it for
him and she said that if he became a good boy that she would.
The boy then goes home and writes a letter to Jesus saying: Dear
Jesus, I really want this bicycle. If you let me have the
bicycle I will be a good boy for a whole year. The boy then
folds the letter and puts it in his pocket.
He goes outside for a walk and finds his dad taking in the
groceries. All of a sudden, his dad trips on the roller skate he
was supposed to put away. His dad starts to yell at him and the
boy goes back inside and crosses out the letter. He rewrites it
saying: Dear Jesus, if you let me have the bicycle that I really
want, I will be good for one month.
Then he walks into his sisters room and starts to doodle on some
note paper. When his sister comes home, she begins to yell at
him saying that the notepaper he was writing on was her report
that was due the next day. He tries to apologize but she
wouldn’t listen.
He goes goes into the kichen and rewrites the letter this time
saying: Dear Jesus, if I can have that bicycle I will be a good
boy for a day.
Right when he finishes the letter, his mother screams from the
other end of the house saying that he forgot to clean his room.
He had been too preoccupied with trying to be good that he had
forgotten.
He has lost hope. He tip-toes into his mother’s room and
carefully takes the statue of the Holy Mary off her drawer. He
wraps it in a towel and gently takes it into his room. He places
it in his bottom drawer and takes out the letter and rewrites it
for the last time saying: Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see
your mother again…
20 things we have learned from the movies
1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people – whether they are employed or not.
6. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
7. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
8. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
9. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
10. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
11. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
12. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.
13. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
14. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.
16. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
17. Radiation causes interesting mutations – not to your future children but to you, right there and then.
18. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
19. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
20. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
El marido llega a casa
El marido llega a casa y le sugiere a su mujer:
“Mar�a, hoy vamos a hacer el amor a la australiana”.
“�Y eso c�mo es?”
“Muy f�cil, yo me cepillo a la canguro y t� te vas pegando botes…”