What do you call a fly in a blonde’s brain? A space invader!
Author: admin
Head swapping
An old lady is very upset as her husband, Colin, had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment.
Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Colin was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally they always put the bodies in black, but he’d see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Colin before his funeral the following day.
When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Colin is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit.
His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads over.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci and Curtis
Now that’s a mouthful.
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?”That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, ” but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.” “Thank you!” the woman responded.The next day, the woman brings her two female talking parrots to the priest’s house. His two male talking parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away; Our prayers have been answered.”
Garlic On Board
A workman who was extremely fond of garlic boarded a bus in a Southern city, and sat himself down next to a haughty, sour-faced woman. She immediately became aware of the garlic fragrance, and observed icily, “It’s a wonder they don’t run a special bus for persons who insist on eating garlic.”
The workman cheerfully answered, “They do lady, you’re on the wrong bus.”
Top Ten Fun Things To Hide In Your Boss’ Office
1. A stained dress. 2. An open and empty condom wrapper. 3. A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card? 4. Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can’t see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk. 5. Thong, lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party. 6. First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security. 7. 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day. Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso. 8. Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn’t roll and it will take the jerk and the IS department all day to figure it out. 9. A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying, “I told you that damn condom ripped.” 10. A “baby monitor.” Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.
Historical Wife
A man complains to a friend, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend said, chuckling.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll go “I still remember that time when you ….”
Daddy!!!!!!
This couple were going on there first date.The guy had gone to pick his date up for dancing her father goes.”You two going dancing””The boy replyed yes and her dad says””She loves to screw she’d screw all night if she could””.A few hours later she comes and yells at her dad””Daddy!!!!!!It’s called the twist.
“
Intercourse
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse….you go between periods and you are expected to come.
Ugly
Little Timmy watched his mother spread cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Timmy. “Giving up?”
Punctuation
Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: “Fun fun fun worry
worry worry”
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Bi-baby
Did you hear the one about the bi-sexual baby? It had a penis AND a brain.
Hanson’s Treatment of Time:
Hanson’s Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.