Where does president bush keep his c.d.s?
in iraq (you have to say it out loud)
Author: admin
Dictionary of
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
Devouted Catholic
There’s this man, a devout catholic, who really wants to meet the pope. When the pope comes to his town on his world tour, the man puts on his finest Armani suit and goes down to see him.Well, there are hundreds and hundreds of well dressed people, but the pope walks right up to this one especially shabby guy. The guy is clearly a homeless person, unshaven, smelly and dressed in rags. The pope leans over and has a conversation with the guy.Well, our hero notices this, and he realizes there is no way that he can possibly be noticed in the sea of Armani suits, so he ducks into a bathroom, shreds his clothing and makes himself up to be equally shabby.Sure enough, when he comes out the pope comes right over to him, leans over and says, “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.”
Q: How many database
Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Small penis
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
“No thanks,” the girl says. “You know I don’t smoke.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
about as sharp as a marble…
about as sharp as a marble
Smart Doctor
“Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me, d-doc, but-but I have th-th-this st-st-stutter problem and I-I-I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could me help m-m-me”, said the patient to the doctor.
“Well, take off your clothes, get into this gown and I will check you over and run some tests”, replies the physician.
“Ummm, I do believe I see the problem” the doctor says after a thorough going over of the man. “Your penis is so large and so heavy, it is actually pulling down your vocal chords. We will need to cut off about six inches to relieve the strain on your throat”
“I-I-I c-c-can’t st-stand th-this st-st-stuttering any longer, it-it-it k-k-keeps from get-getting pretty g-g-girls, so do-do it”
Six months later the patient returns to the doctors office with another complaint, “Doc, the operation was a great success, I can pick up all the pretty girls now, but the sex is terrible, please put back those six inches you removed”
Doctor: “F-f-f-fuck off!”
Choices
A man was seated next to a stiff-looking Baptist minister on a flight to
Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for
drink orders. The man asked for a whiskey and soda, which he got. The attendant
then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen
whore than let liquor touch these lips.”
The man then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I didn’t know
there was a choice.”
50 Comments by Blondes During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In the back seat of a car) and they say romance is dead…
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time. Right? Person 2: Yeah.. Today.
12. (In the No Tell Motel) hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
17. And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you’re as good- looking when I’m sober…
21. (Holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will you!
24. You look younger than you feel..
25. Got any penicillin?.
27. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a manage a trios) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You’re good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really… I do this part better myself!
48. Its nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You’re almost as good as my ex!
My friend Jim is a pretty wild and crazy…
My friend Jim is a pretty wild and
crazy guy who sometimes gets bored
and has to dream up new and exiting ways to get his kicks.
One afternoon, Jim put a frog in his shirt pocket and walked into a
local drinking establishment. The cocktail waitress came over and asked
him what he would like to drink. After taking his order, the waitress
said, “Hey, what’s with the frog in your pocket?”
Jim said, “Oh, the frog eats pussy.”
The waitress just smiled and got Jim his drink. About 15 minutes later,
the waitress came over and asked Jim if she could borrow his frog for a
while. Jim said sure, and the waitress hurried off to the back room with
the frog. A half hour or so passed, and Jim figured he better go check up
on his frog. He walked into the back room to find the waitress lying down
on a table in the appropriate position, with the frog in the appropriate
place, and everything else quite appropriate (use your imagination).
The waitress said, “Hey mister, this frog doesn’t do anything.”
Jim said, “Get out of the way frog, now this is the last time I am going to
show you how to do this.”
What Advertisements Really Mean
NEW – Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.
UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE – Heavy as hell.
LESS FATTENING – Now doesn’t have the same fat content as pig
stomach lining.
HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.
NON-REFUNDABLE – We couldn’t make it work long enough to ship it.
FAT FREE – You pay for the food, but the fat is free.
Q. How do you know a blonde has been using…
Q. How do you know a blonde has been using a computer?
A. There is whiteout all over the screen.