What do dogs and women have in common?
They both like 12-inch bones.
Author: admin
Because they can’t even keep two calves together!
Q: Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can’t even keep two calves together!
Words can not describe the deep feelings I…
Words can not describe the deep feelings I have for you …
But “Bitch” comes pretty close.
Non Flying Fly Parable
One day this non flying fly was setting on the bank of a stream trying to figure a way across. In the stream was a trout watching the fly, the trout said to himself, if that fly comes down I’ll jump up and eat him. Back in the edge of the woods was a bear watching the trout watching the fly, the bear says to himself, if that trout jumps up I’ll jump down and eat him. A little further back in the woods is a hunter watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the hunter says to himself, if that bear jumps down there I’ll jump up and shoot him. A little further back in the woods is a mouse watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the mouse says to himself if that hunter jumps up to shoot that bear he’ll drop that sandwich and I’ll jump on the sandwich. A little further back in the woods is a cat watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the cat says to himself, if that mouse jumps on that sandwich, i’ll jump on that mouse. Well the fly goes down, the trout jumps up, the bear jumps down, the hunter jumps up and drops his sandwich, the mouse jumps on the sandwich, the cat jumps toward the mouse and misses and falls into the creek and gets wet. So the moral to the story is if the “Fly goes down, the pussy gets wet”.
Wear Your Sweater
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”Fourth Guy: “That’s easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. ‘Golf Course or Intercourse?’, I ask. She says, ‘Wear your sweater.'”
Love to fish
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.”Yes, but you know how I love to fish…” “But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?” “Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish” A few hours later, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.” “I know, but she’s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…” The following day: “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.” “Yeah, but she’s got pyorrhea ; and you know how I love to fish…” Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.” “It’s ’cause she’s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…”
Guru
Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Yer ma
your mas so stupid she sits oan the tele n watches the couch
Two of Bill’s sperm were
Two of Bill’s sperm were racing toward the cervix and the first one said,
“How far do you think it is to the fallopian tubes?”
The other one said “It can’t be too far. I think we just passed the
tonsils.”
Vocal Puzzles
Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you “hear” the answer.
Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place)
Answer: Los Angeles
These are so much fun! Make sure not to cheat!!! 🙂
1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (~a person~)
0. SAND TACKLE LAWS (~a fictional character~)
3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (~a person~)
4. MOW BEAD HICK (~a book~)
5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (~a person~)
6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (~a product~)
7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (~a thing~)
8. AISLE OH VIEW (~a phrase~)
9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (~a old TV show~)
10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (~a person~)
11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (~a person~)
12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (~a place~)
13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (~a fictional character~)
14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (~a movie~)
15. BUCK SPUN HE (~a fictional character~)
Page down for the answers….
Answers To “Vocal Puzzles”
1. Jacques Cousteau
2. Santa Claus
3. Michael Jordan
4. Moby Dick
5. Thomas Jefferson
6. Chiquita Banana
7. The Titanic
8. I love you
9. The Brady Bunch
10. Christopher Columbus
11. Doctor Seuss
12. The Milky Way Galaxy
13. Agent 007
14. The Sound of Music
15. Bugs Bunny
Transvestite
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
Virgin Marry
Both Clinton and the Pope die, but there is a mix up. Clinton went to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to process the paperwork and make the switch.The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.Pope: Sorry about the mix up.Clinton: No problem.Pope: I’m really excited about going to heaven.Clinton: Why’s that?Pope: All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.Clinton: You’re a day late.