A man walked up to a safety advisor and said, “My eyes hurt from
using the computer.”
The safety advisor said, “Why don’t you type with your hands
like normal people!”
Author: admin
Hiker
what do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
hop in
Wife #
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says,” Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Twyla!Twyla who?Twyla light
Knock KnockWho’s there?Twyla!Twyla who?Twyla light of the Gods!
Fat like whales
Your mama is so fat, she jumped into the ocean and the whales circled
around her and started singing “We are family!”
Clinton and Gore at lunch!
Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.
As they read the menu, the waitress comes over and asks Clinton,
“Are you ready to order?” Clinton replies, “Yes, I’d like a
quickie!”
“A quickie?!?” the waitress replies. “Sir, given the past
situation of your personal life I don’t think that is a good idea.
I’ll come back when you are ready to order from the menu!” She walks
away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, “It’s pronounced Quiche.”
The Cautious Monkey
Aman walks inot a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.He steps up to the bar,sets the monkey on the bar,slidesthe peanut bowl ove to the monkey, then orders a beer. While the man is drinking his beer, the monkey takes a peanut,hulls it,looks at it, stickes it up his ass, then eats the peanut. the brtender sees this and tells the man,”Hey!Get that nasty animal outa my bar.””What nasty animal?”The man replies. “That monkey”says the bartender,”He’s hulling those peanuts ,sticking them up his ass, then eating them.””Oh,He’s not being nasty .He’s being cautious.”The man says. “How do you figure that?”ask the bartender. “Well you see,” explained the man,”my monkey used to be a gluttion. Then one day a woman gave him a peach, and after passing that pit,now he makes sure it fits befor he eats it”
An [ethnic] gentleman walks into
An [ethnic] gentleman walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender says “Hey, where’d you get that?”
The frog says “Well, it started out as a wart on my ass…”
Money for God
There were these three men who when they get there pay check they seperate it half for god (the church) and the other for themselves. One first guy said i take a paper and draw a cicle and put a line through it and then throw the money in the air and what ever falls on one side is for god at the other for him. The, second guy said i draw a cirlce and throw the money in the air a what ever falls in the middle is for god and what ever falls on the outside is for him. Finally the third guy said I just throw the money in the air and what ever god catches is his.
Worse than a Chauvinist?
What’s the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
Hair in soup
A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup.
“What’s this?” he screams! “There’s a pussy hair in my soup! I’m not paying for it!” and he storms out…
The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.
The waitress bursts in and says, “You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!” the waitress yells.
He lifts his head, turns to her and says, “Yeah… and if I find a noodle in here, I ain’t paying for it EITHER!!!!!”
Lotion
One day when all the people went home from church… or so the
pope thought that. he went to take a shower, at the church.He
took off all his clothes, and got in the shower, then he
realized he had no soap. he got out and also realized he had no
towel. he left the bathroom to get soap and a towel. well on his
way through the church,after he got the soap, the nuns just
came in. So the pope stood still, hoping that they would think
he was a statue.The first nun gasps and says “wow, what a peice
of art!” then the second one slaps his butt and the soap falls
out of his hand, the first nun says” wow his penis looks real!”
so she feels it. she gives it a hand job… then she says”wow a
soap dispenser AND a lotion dispenser!”