Yo mama so ugly, she has to stand beside Michael Jackson just to look normal.
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Ma and Pa
An old woman in the West Virginia hills received a letter from her grandneice, who’d gone off to the big city to seek her fortune. Puzzled by the writing and the contents, she read to her husband, ‘Judi says here that she’s got her- self a job in a . . . a . . . a . . . well, it must be a *message* parlor.”I reckon city folks must leave word there fer their neighbors and kinfolk. Them not having back fences and all,’ her husband said. ‘Does Judi say how much they’s a payin’ her?”Well, that’s the part I can’t make out. For the life of me, Paw, she says she gets some $35 for a hand delivered message and $60 if she *blows* it to them!’
Marcia Clark has
Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she’ll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.
The Miracle of Nature – Birds and Bees
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he
noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in
the whole event. The man thought to himself, “Great, he’s four years old and I’m
gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun.
I guess I’ll let him ask and then I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son,
do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he
hit that cow?”
What if Operating Systems Were Airlines
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and letthe plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jumpon again, and so on…
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look andact exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you aregently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easybaggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutesin the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Little Johnny helps Grandma.
One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma’s kitchen.
“Where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Grandma asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that water hole, Grandma,” exclaimed Johnny.
“There’s a big ol’ alligator down there!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Grandma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”
Hard To Get
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, “We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?”
“Are you kidding?” said St. Peter. “It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I’ll never get a lawyer!”
Old Men With Blow-Up Dolls
There was these two old men sitting in one of the old mens house. They haven’t had sex in 20 years… The first old man then said,”I have an idea…Lets go to the whore house and have sex with a young lady!” The other old man agreed and they went to the whore house and went to the lady up front and asked her for one woman each to have sex with.. The lady behind the counter thought,”well my girls are to good for these old mean,so I’ll give them blow up dolls…They wont know the difference.” So she gave them each a blow up doll and the old men thought they were real living girls.. They went to a room did their business and came out and went home.. On the way home the 1st old man said,”You know..when i was doing my business i think that girl was dead,she didnt say anything,move or anything..Just laid there” he looekd at the other old man and said,”what do you think?” The other old man looked at him and said,”I think mine was a witch..” the first old man asked,”Why you say that?” and the 2nd old man responded,”Because when I bit her on the boob she farted and flew out the window.”
The Top 14 Signs Your Pet Has Been Doing Drugs
14> Your parakeet’s been whistling Pink Floyd and staring at the ceiling lately. 13> Mittens lets out a mellow-yet-plaintive mew when you channel-surf past SpongeBob. 12> There’s a trail of water and aquarium gravel leading from the fish bowl to the refrigerator. 11> Rover’s constantly burying clean poodle urine samples in the back yard. 10> You thought he was purring like a normal cat until you discovered his pager was vibrating non-stop. 9> Your Dave Matthews CDs and Hacky Sacks keep turning up in the Habitrail. 8> The hamster wheel is suddenly providing electricity for the entire block. 7> Every time the doorbell rings, she starts flushing her dog toys down the toilet. 6> Local street punks have started smoking your cat’s hairballs. 5> Polly wanna cracker, man… and a big bag of Doritos, a box of Fruity Pebbles and a microwave burrito. Oh! And a jelly donut! 4> When you ask him Who’s a good boy? he sits and ponders the answer for an hour. 3> Whoa… have you ever, like, looked at your paw? I mean, really LOOKED at your paw?!? 2> He’s so freaked out by the bubbling treasure chest that he hasn’t been out of his castle in six days. 1> Rusty’s not only stopped chasing his tail, now he’s accusing it of following him home. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Diet Nightmare
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
A old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake!”
The Great Saddam and Bush Debate
Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein’s challenge to a
televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what could have happened had
they met Tuesday February 25, 2003
Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W.
Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We
will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.
Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one
of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the
world.
Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today’s debate we may find some
common ground between the Iraqi people’s commitment to peace and human progress
and America’s desire to destroy the Middle East.
Bush: Do I answer that?
Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with
al-Qaida?
Bush: I do not.
Blair: The question is for Saddam.
Saddam: As I told Mr. Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with
al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the
world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have
no such links.
Bush: Neither do I.
Blair: The second question is for President Bush. President Bush, if America
and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?
Bush: That’s easy. America, right?
Saddam: Even I knew that one.
Bush: That’s because the great United American States of America are on the
side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of
Iraq, North Korea and… how many are in an axis? Three?
Blair: I think you’re allowed as many as you like.
Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.!
Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis
of Evil.
Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?
Blair: Let’s move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of
Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors’ orders?
Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons,
we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are
happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed
the proscribed range of 150 kms. I’ve tested them myself, and we don’t have any.
Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way
that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to
reach a negotiated solution?
Bush: Listen to me. It’s very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the
UN inspectorers, and I mean activated compilation, not passivist compilation.
Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next
one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully than that.
Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass
destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked.
Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to
revulge. And even that will not be enough.
Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on
it over the weekend.
Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.
Saddam: OK.
Blair: Sorry, but I’m not sure that “disarmature” is a word. I defer to the UN
Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.
Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, “the action of disarming”
according to the OED.
Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.
Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.
Bush: Too late.
Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of ‘Demands a Sushi’?
Saddam: Yes, I’ve heard them all.
Bush: I don’t eat sushi. Is there a fish option?
Blair: I’d like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky-Tonya
Harding fight follows after the break.
Clinton’s Bookmarks
Q: Do you know why Bill Clinton doesn’t use bookmarks?
A: Because he likes to bend pages!