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Se va a organizar una fiesta de Halloween en el barrio, y justo dos vecinas que se odian se cruzan. Una le dice a la otra:
“�De qu� te vas a difrazar vos?”
Y la otra dice:
“Te voy a sacar una foto y me la voy a pegar en la cara, �y vos?”
“Yo le fui a pedir el vestido a tu mam�.”
“�Y para qu�?”
“Para difrazarme de la puta madre que te pari�”
El juez interroga a la viejita indefensa:
“�Cual es su edad, se�ora?”
“Tengo 86 a�os.”
“�Podr�a decirnos, en sus propias palabras que fue lo que sucedi�?”
“All� yo estaba, sentada en la mecedora en el porche de mi casa en una agradable noche de primavera, cuando un joven se acerco y se sent� junto a mi.”
“�Usted lo conoc�a?”
“No, pero �l se mostr� bastante amigable.”
“�Qu� sucedi� despu�s de que �l se sent�?”
“El comenz� a acariciar mis piernas.”
“�Usted lo detuvo?”
“No, yo no lo detuve.”
“�Por qu�?”
“Se sent�a muy bien, nadie me hab�a hecho eso desde que mi esposo muri� hace 30 a�os.”
“�Qu� sucedi� despu�s?”
“El comenz� a acariciarme mis senos.”
“�Usted lo detuvo entonces?”
“No, yo no lo detuve.”
“�Por qu�?”
“Bueno, se�or Juez, sus caricias me hicieron sentir viva y excitada. No me hab�a sentido as� en muchos a�os.”
“�Qu� sucedi� despu�s?”
“Bueno, yo me estaba sintiendo tan caliente y excitada que simplemente abr� mis piernas y le dije: hazme tuya jovencito, t�mame, hazme el amor.”
“�Entonces, el la tom�?”
“No. El s�lo grit� ‘Feliz D�a de los Inocentes’ y fue all� cuando le dispar� al hijo de su p… madre.”
After making love, the woman said the man, “So, you’re a doctor?”
“That’s right,” replied the doctor smugly. “Betcha don’t know what kind of doctor.”
“Ummm…I’d say that you’re an anesthesiologist.” “Yep, that’s right! Good guess! How did you know?” asked the guy.
“Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn’t feel a thing.”
John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.” So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.” And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.” Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, will you shut up!” The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”Jessica replied, “only when he’s drunk.”
President Clinton was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies
in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
To the blonde he said “I am the President of the United States of America. How
much will it cost me to spend some time with you?”
The blonde replied, “For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500.”
To the Redhead he asked the same question. She replied “I will spend all the
time you want for $1,000.”
When he approached the brunette he asked the same question and she said, “If
you can raise my skirt as high as you’ve raised my taxes, and can get your pants
as low as my wages, and get that thing of yours as hard as times are now, and
screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won’t cost you a damn
thing!”
This big rough lookin cowboy walks into the bar. He orders up bottle after bottle of rottgutt liquor and proceeds to get really wasted…In the process he manages to anger just about everyone in the bar by being offensive and rude and being a big obnoxious fool…
Finally he finishes up his 5th bottle and decides he’s had just about enough. He proceeds to get up and swagger out of the bar.
He gets outside to untie his horse from the post and he notices someone has painted his horses balls a real bright shade of yellow.
This pisses him off immensely so he proceeds to blow back into the bar, slamming the doors open and yelling out at the top of his lungs. “JUST WHO IN THE SAM-HELL PAINTED MY HORSES BALLS YELLOW!!!!”
After everyone in the bar rustles around a bit, a guy in the back of the bar stands up. This guy is HUGE, at least 6’10” tall, pure muscle…
He says to the cowboy, “I did, so what do you got to say about it, boy!!!”
The cowboy looks back at this guy and says “Oh, I was going to let you know the first coat of paint is dry.”
Yo family is so poor that when I went inside your house I accidentally stepped
on a roach and your whole family came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your
feet, thank the Lord that we got meat!”
Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned. As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back.
She yells, ” Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, It’s Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned.”
Mr. Lee yells, “Come again”
Monica says, “No, it is gravy this time.”
two blondes went out in there new convertable,
and on the way to the mall they saw another blonde. But the other blonde was in a row boat,
and she was rowing it in a field.the one blonde said to the other she gives blondes a bad name.And the blonde says yeah we should tell how we feel.So the other blonde in the car says yeah but i cant swim.
How do you teach a blonde math? Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs, insert you square root, leave your solution and let’s hope she don’t multiply.
The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, all right!”
The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, “I said stop it!”
The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”
The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”
How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.