Once there was a pastor, and he wanted to paint his church. But all he had was
one bucket of paint. So he got a bunch of buckets and some water, and he thinned
the paint enough to cover the entire church. Then he spent all day painting.
That night it rained, washed all the paint off. The pastor was discouraged,
and asked God, “Why…Why God, did You let it rain and wash off all my hard
work?”
To which God replied, “Repaint! And thin no more!”
Author: admin
1994’s Most Bizarre Suicide
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the
story.
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth
floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which
killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that
a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some
window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide anyway because of this.
Ordinarily, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds,
even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.
That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably
would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the
fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the
medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening
her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he
completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window
striking Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one
is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge,
the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the
shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to
threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder
her; therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is,
the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s
son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.
There was an exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become
increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his
mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March
23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
An actor should always bear in mind what clapping…
An actor should always bear in mind what clapping the hands together
does for a mosquito.
Olympic condoms
A man out shopping bought some new condoms. When he got home his wife noticed the brand.
“Olympic condoms? – What makes them so special?” she asked.
“There are three colors,” he replied, “Gold, silver and bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.
“Gold, of course,” said the man.
“Really?” she said. “Why don’t you wear silver – it would be nice if you came second for a change!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Hotel
Jesus walks into a hotel, thows 3 nails on the counter and says
“So, can you guys put me up for a night?”
New Gorilla in Bar
A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, “I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.”The bartender looks at him like he’s nuts and says, ” I sorry but I don’t serve Gorillas in this bar.”The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, “Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.
Sean was fishing and it
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge
for shelter.
His pal McGinty saw him and called, “Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a
few spots o’ rain, now?”
Sean replied, “I’m not…the fish come here fer shelter.”
Cheater
Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny’s test again?
Jeff: But how did you know?
Teacher: On question #1, Johnny put down “I don’t know”.
And you put down “Me neither”.
Artificial Intelligence
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
“Madam,” said the sales manager, “the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!”
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, “Nelson.” The radio responded, “Ricky or Willie?” She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that’s what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying “On The Road Again” when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.
“Idiot!” she yelled and, from the radio, “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.”
Fidel in Hell
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says,
“No hay problema, I’ll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.”
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked – St.Peter is having lunch – and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other,
“My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we’re already getting refugees!”
Two Old Men
One day, two old men decide that they need some action in their
life. So they decide to go to a whore house to get some.
The head lady of the whore house sees them coming. “Uh oh. Here
come two old ones.” she says. “I’m not giving them any of my
girls.” She calls one of her girls and tells her to fix two
rooms, and put blow up dolls in the rooms and turn out the
lights.
The men walk up to the counter and place $300 each on the
counter. “Gives us some good ones” laughs the first man. “You’re
in luck tonight gentlemen.” Says the owner. “We have a moonlight
special, but you have to keep the lights out.” The men agree and
go to their rooms to do their thing.
The next day, the men meet up in the park to discuss their
night. “How was it?” the first man asked the second man. “It was
pretty good, she was pretty quiet though. But she kept making
little sqeaky noises. How was yours?” The second man replies, “I
don’t know. I think mine was a witch.” “Why?” asks the first
man. “Well,” said he second man. “I bit her titi and she farted
and flew out the window!”
Not his problem
A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder.
The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him.
The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares, “That’s his problem.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci