Yours Fun Portal !
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying “5 boxes for a dollar.”
Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said “Oh yes, 5 for a dollar.”
She said “That can’t be right !”
The clerk says “Oh yes, it’s right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.
After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, ‘Who owns the white horse tied up outside?’
The Lone Ranger said, ‘Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?’
‘Because it�s collapsed and looks like it’s dying,’ says the stranger.
So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.
‘He’s probably just suffering from the heat,’ says the Lone Ranger, who asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.
The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, ‘Who owns the white horse outside?’
The Lone Ranger says, ‘That’s mine, what’s the problem this time?’
‘Oh, no problem,’ says the stranger, ‘it’s just that you’ve left your injun running.’
A minister is sitting in the confession booth when an altar boy
comes up to him and says, “There’s an emergency and we need you
right away.” The minister goes up to the janitor who is standing
outside and asks him if he would listen to the confessions for
him. The janitor replies, “I’m not religious, I don’t know how
to do any of that stuff.” The minister says, “It’s ok, just
listen to what they say and look it up in this book and tell
them what it says.” The janitor agrees and sits down.
The first man comes in. “Father, I have sinned.” “What have you
done?” “I have beat my child.” The janitor looks it up in the
book, and says, “Three hail Marys.” “Thank you father.”
The next man comes in. “Father I have sinned.” “What have you
done?” “I have performed Oral Sex.” He looks it up. He can’t
find it under oral, so he looks up sex. It’s not there. He gets
nervous and says, “One minute.” He walks out of the booth and
goes over to an altar boy lighting some candles. He asks the
boy, “What does the Father usually give for oral sex?” The boy
looks up at him and says, “Two candy bars and a pat on the head.”
Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod –one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.”
The Jewish lady said, “But your sign says that you have vacancies.” The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, “You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town…”
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, “I’ll have you know, I converted to your religion.”
The desk clerk said, “Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
How was Jesus born?”
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, “He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.”
“Very good,” replied the hotel clerk. “Tell me more.”
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, “He was born in a manger.”
“That’s right,” said the hotel clerk. “And why was he born in a manger?”
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, “Because a jerk like you in the hotel
wouldn’t give a Jewish lady a room for the night!”
Yo Mama is so fat, she got smiles on her kneecaps.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN . . Juan Valdez named his donkey after you You ski uphill You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked You speed walk in your sleep You have a bumper sticker that says: ‘Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.’ You answer the door before people knock You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit You grind your coffee beans in your mouth You sleep with your eyes open You have to watch videos in fast-forward The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer You lick your coffeepot clean You spend every vacation visiting ‘Maxwell House.’ You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week Your eyes stay open when you sneeze You chew on other people’s fingernails The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse Your T-shirt says, ‘Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s coffee.’ Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas You can type sixty words per minute with your feet You can jump-start your car without cables Cocaine is a downer All your kids are named ‘Joe.’ You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails Your only source of nutrition comes from ‘Sweet & Low.’ You don’t sweat, you percolate You buy milk by the barrel You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers People get dizzy just watching you When you find a penny, you say, ‘Find a penny, pick it up Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.’ You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio People can test their batteries in your ears Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans Instant coffee takes too long You channel surf faster without a remote When someone says. ‘How are you?’, you say, ‘Good to the last drop.’ You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee You’re offended when people use the word ‘brew’ to mean beer You name your cats ‘Cream’ and ‘Sugar.’ You get drunk just so you can sober up You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson Your Thermos is on wheels Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug You can outlast the Energizer bunny You short out motion detectors You have a conniption over spilled milk You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale You think being called a ‘drip’ is a compliment You don’t tan, you roast You don’t get mad, you get steamed Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before and coffee after Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood You can’t even remember your second cup You help your dog chase its tail You soak your dentures in coffee overnight Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate You think CPR stands for ‘Coffee Provides Resuscitation.’ Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said…
“Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.” DOH!
The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger.
The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they could row
the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall.
The Pole, the ship’s doctor, said that they could not possibly last that
long, that there was only one solution to the problem and that one of them
would have to sacrifice themselves for the good of the others.
The Englishman, the captain, said that he quite understood and that he
would volunteer as he should have gone down with the ship anyway.
After saying an emotional farewell to his crewmen,
the captain jumped overboard and sank without trace.
Q: Why did Barbara Bush run to her son’s side?
A: To wash out his mouth with soap.
Santa Claus se estaba preparando para su viaje anual de repartir regalos. Como los elfos estaban en huelga, tuvo que hacer horas extra con la lista de regalos. Fue a ver los renos y descubri� que ten�a que darles de comer, limpiarles los establos de mierda atrasada y que, adem�s, cuatro de ellos estaban enfermos, por lo que ten�a que llamar al veterinario y el trineo iba a volar demasiado despacio.
Fue a ponerse sus pantalones rojos y descubri� que no los hab�a lavado desde el a�o pasado. Busc� otro par y al pon�rselos, descubri� que hab�a engordado 10 kilos. Se pein� la barba y se encontr� un pelo negro. Con un cabreo tremendo se fue a la cocina a echar un trago y todas las botellas estaban vac�as. En ese momento entr� un �ngel y le pregunt�:
“Santa, �qu� quieres que haga con el �rbol de Navidad?”
Y esa es la raz�n por la que se suele adornar los �rboles de Navidad con un angelito en la punta…
What do you get when you put the cat in the blender…???
Pussy whipped…
~ Downsizing is good, right? Then let’s fire Uncle Sam!
~ Put politicians in their place – Landfills!
~ We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake
education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and
a winning smile for integrity!
~ Only lawyers get to be judges, and that’s the (F)LAW!