Q: Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many men?A: No phone numbers.
Author: admin
Insult
You’re so short you’re the last one to know when it rains.
Lawrence Of Poland
Q: Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig?
A: Lawrence of Poland
Happy valentines day
Little melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of valentine’s day. “since valentine’s day is for a
christian saint and we’re jewish,” she asks, “will god get mad at me for giving
someone a valentine?”
melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says “no, i don’t think god would get mad.
who do you want to give a valentine to?”
“osama bin laden,” she says.
“why osama bin laden?” her father asks in shock.
“well,” she says, “i thought that if a little american jewish girl
could have enough love to give osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. and if
other kids saw what i did and sent valentines to osama, he’d love everyone a
lot. and then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.! ”
her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
“melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing i’ve ever heard.”
“i know,” melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the marines
could blow the s*** out of him.”
Chatting Up the Beau
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken shit.”So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m contemplating on matrimony, and I’d rather sit than dance.”So the man humbly returns to his friend “So what did she say?” asks the friend.The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants.”
Big foot
Q. what is the difference between big foot and a intelligence blonde?
A. there been actual sitings of bigfoot
Pregnant sister
Mother: What are you doing with that saw and where’s your little brother?
Youngster: He, he, he’s my half-brother now.
Airline Shuffle
During the “rush hour” at Houston’s Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, “We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should ‘deplane’ at this time.”
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”
TGIF
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?Toes go in first.
Viagra again.
Questions to Ponder about Viagra
If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?
If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?
I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.
I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.
Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as “assault with a dead weapon.”
Viagra, medicine’s version of “MIRACLE-GRO.” Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn’t really care where.
Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?
If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you’ll get a stiff neck.
A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they’ll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.
Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton’s DNA.
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VIAGRA CAUSES PANIC ———————— WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:
FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented, “There’s no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. We’ve got to make sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands,like President Clinton’s, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake.”
Proud to be a New Yorker
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New
York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a
Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, “Excuse me, I
would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?”
The Saudi replied, “Excuse me, but what is a shortage?”
The Russian said, “Excuse me, but what is meat?”
The North Korean replied, “Excuse me, but what is an opinion?”
The New Yorker replied, “What is ‘excuse me’?”
Un d�a cualquiera se mueren
Un d�a cualquiera se mueren tres amigos en un accidente automovilistico. Los tres llegan al cielo al mismo tiempo, ante San Pedro, y �ste les dice:
“Aqu� en el cielo todos andan en veh�culos y la calidad del veh�culo a conducir depende de qu� tan bueno hayan sido en la vida.” En eso, se�alando al primer hombre, le dice:
“T�, Jorge, por haber traicionado a tu esposa con otras 20 mujeres, andar�s toda la eternidad con un inc�modo auto compacto en mal estado, despintado y lleno de abolladuras.”
Al segundo hombre le dice:
“T�, Ramiro, por haber traicionado a tu esposa con otras 5 mujeres andar�s en un Toyota 89, en buen estado, pero con ciertas fallas.”
Y al tercero le dice:
“Y t�, Marvin, por nunca haber traicionado a tu esposa andar�s en una Limosina de lujo, equipada con toda la tecnolog�a de punta que pueda llevar un auto, chofer privado, tel�fono, etc.
Los tres hombres se van con sus autos a andar por las calles celestiales atestadas de todo tipo de medios de transporte. Un d�a, despu�s de cuatro meses, por coincidencia los tres amigos se encuentran en un sem�foro. El que llevaba la Limosina estaba llorando amargamente. Los otros dos, extra�ados, le preguntan: “�Por qu� lloras si andas en el mejor auto del cielo y vives muy c�modamente?” A lo que �l responde:
“Es que acabo de ver a mi esposa en patineta.”