A harp is a nude piano.
Author: admin
747 full of lawyers
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.
Which period?
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
First Class?
First Class?A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, ”I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to New York.” Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, ”I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to New York.” The captain doesn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear. She immediately gets up, says, ”Thank you so much.” hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, ”I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to New York.”
Bunny love
why dont bunnies make noise when they are making love?
because they have cotton balls.
Texas Thug
Two Dallas Cowboys were in a car. Who was driving? The cops.
The Top 15 Worst Blues Singer Names
15> Willie ‘White Shoes After Labor Day’ Lumpkin14> Charlie ‘Sittin’ in First Class & Cheerful as Hell’ Pickett 13> Al ‘Lightnin” Gore12> The Suspiciously Clean-Shaven, Well-Coiffed Artist in the Dark Glasses Who Won’t Admit That He Was Formerly Known As John Tesh And is Now Playing Barrelhouse Boogie-Woogie To Earn A Buck11> John Lee Crackwhore10> Timmy ‘Up With People’ Perkyman 9> ‘Portly Dan’ Aykroyd & Bruce ‘Shinehead’ Willis 8> Matt ‘Sleeping with Cameron Diaz’ Dillon 7> Winston P. ‘Sunshine Man’ Walthrop III, King of the Cape Cod Blues 6> Tiny Red Johnson 5> Screamin’ Josh Rabinowitz 4> Mack ‘Crusty Underthings’ Morton 3> Stanley ‘Stank Ass’ Wilson 2> Bawlin’ Wimp 1> Luther ‘Kill Me, Just Kill Me’ Johnson
Teddy Kennedy and Bill
What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A dead girlfriend.
New Rules For Employ
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough. YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma’am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don’ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ——- Net Take Home Pay $0.02 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. The Management
Estaban una pareja de casados
Estaban una pareja de casados en su recamara cuando el esposo le pregunta a su esposa:
“Mi amor, �qu� te parece si le escribimos a la cig�e�a?”
A lo que su esposa responde:
“Para que, si tu pluma ni sirve.”
Talking Frog
My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him. “Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!” Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.
“Hey mister,” said the frog. “A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you’ll just kiss me I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.”
Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again, “Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I said if you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.”
Dad replied, “I heard you, but at my age, I’d rather just have a talking frog!”
Zebra
What is a “zebra”?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.