Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?””Yep, that’s him,” he replied.The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?””Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
Author: admin
Dad Pays Suprise Visit…
The Father, passing thru the son’s college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.
Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door.
After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. “Whaddya want?”
“Does Jimmy Duncan live here?” asked the father.
“Yeah!” replied the voice. “Dump him on the front porch and we’ll take care of him in the morning.”
woman in a bath
whats the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in
a bath?
one has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her hole.
Signs…
Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT
LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Outside a photographer’s studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Notice in a dry cleaner’s window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED
OF.
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T
WORK)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Mother in law
A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears.
The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.
The man’s first wish is for 10 million dollars.
The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.
The man says, “That’s ok.”
The man’s next wish is for a house by the sea.
Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, “That’s okay.”
The man’s last wish is to be beaten half to death!
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Political Correctnes
– Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s just “passage-restrictive.”- Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”- You’re not late; you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”- You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”- No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”- You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”- You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”- It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”- The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”- No one fails a class anymore; he’s merely “passing-impaired.”- You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the “exit- delayed.”- These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”- Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk; it’s just “closure-prohibitive.”- Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of- notebook experience.”- You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”- You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odour-retentive athletic footwear.”- You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”- You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.
Pork pie
A man walks into a pub with a pork pie on his head and asks the barman for a pint of lager.
BARMAN: Do you know you’ve got a pork pie on your head?
MAN: Yes, I always wear a pork pie on my head on Wednesday.
BARMAN: But it’s Tuesday today.
MAN: Oh my god! I must look a real idiot.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Downtown
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to “go downtown” so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, “Well, just what are you doing?”
She said, “I’m doing what I always do when I’m downtown with no money!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Yo momma is so fat…2
yo momma is so fat that wen her beper started beping evribody thought she was backing up
For the Guys
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t, there’s a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you’re
going to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can
tell them apart.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was
Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to
interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex
drive by 90%…
wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
When Choosing A Mate
When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer EngineersDOCTORS——- Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession. LAWYER—— Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing. SALESMAN——– See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be travelling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you. HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS,———————- I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?”, he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her. TEACHER——- The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolise him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.
Un sacerdote estaba dando el
Un sacerdote estaba dando el serm�n en la misa, cuando ve que en la primera fila un tipo se est� quedando dormido. El padre se pone col�rico y sube el tono de voz para despertarlo, pero como �ste no se despierta, le dice al ni�o que estaba al lado:
“Despi�rtame a ese se�or”.
“�Y yo por qu�, si usted fue el que lo durmi�?”