Men are like…..Mini Skirts. If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your
legs.
Author: admin
The Frenchman and The Torontonian
A guy from Quebec and a guy from Toronto are walking down the
beach. They come across a magic lamp, out comes a genie and
says, “I will grant each of you one wish.” So the guy from
Quebec says, “I wish for a wall 500 feet high around Quebec so
nobody can bug us again.”
GRANTED!
The guy from Toronto says, “Fill it with water.”
GRANTED!
Join the Church
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The old man replied, “No problem at all, Pastor.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”
“No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.
“What Happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“We know.” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”
Real Signs Found In Various Places
Unlike Humorless bureaucracies, real people can have fun with: Real Signs Found In Various Places…Sign in a maternity clothes store: ‘We are open on labor day.’Sign on the door of the maternity ward: ‘Push Push Push.’Sign in a non-smoking area: ‘If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.’Sign on a front door: ‘Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.’ Sign on fence: ‘Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.’Sign on an electrician’s truck: ‘Let Us Remove Your Shorts.’Sign in a realtor’s office: ‘Lots for little.’Sign in a shoe store: ‘Come in and have a fit.’Sign in an optometrist’s office: ‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.’ Sign on a scientist’s door: ‘Gone fission.’Sign in a taxidermist’s window: ‘We really know our stuff.’Sign on used car lot: ‘Second hand cars in first crash condition.’Sign over a cannibal’s hut: ‘I never met a man I didn’t like.’Sign in a muffler shop: ‘No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.’Sign at a hotel: ‘Help! We need inn-experienced people.’Sign in a science teacher’s room: If it moves, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.Sign at the dry cleaner’s window: ‘Drop your pants here.’Sign in an office: ‘We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.’Sign in a veterinary’s waiting room: ‘Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!’Sign at a computer store: ‘Out for a quick byte.’Sign in a bowling alley: ‘Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.’Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: ‘Get a `long` little doggie!’Sign on a music library’s door: ‘Bach in a minuet.’Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home, Labor Day Weekend: ‘Please Drive Carefully. We Can Wait.
Blond joke
Q. What do you call a line of blondes standing ear
to ear.
A. A wind tunnel.
Tell it to her on Tuesday.
Q. How do you get a blonde to laugh at a joke on Saturday?
A. Tell it to her on Tuesday.
Dealing with Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . .” When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he’s Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with Canter and Siegel services….
You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you? I can’t believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any friends . . . would you be my friend?”
8. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?”
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.”
You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you< calling from?”
Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.”
You: “Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home,” say, “Yeah! Now you know how I feel.” (smiling, of course…)
Weather Lesson
Why does the wind always go west to east in Wyoming?
Because Nebraska sucks and Idaho blows.
Winking Man
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.””But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!””Really? Great! Show me!”So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.”Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!””Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!””Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?””Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
Un tipo libertino le pregunta
Un tipo libertino le pregunta a otro:
“Oye, �no sabes de alguna chica, que est� bien buena y que yo no conozca? Lo que pasa es que ya me cog� a todas las chavas de este pueblo”.
Su amigo le comenta acerca de una joven apodada ‘La Profunda’, a la que nadie hab�a podido hacerla gozar.
El tipo, presumiendo ser experto en cuestiones sexuales, se va muy confiado a la casa de la chica. Al llegar, el sujeto le ofrece a ‘La Profunda’ que si tienen sexo, �l la har�a gozar por primera vez. La mujer, no muy convencida, acepta el trato.
El tipo se baja el pantal�n y, sin m�s, la empieza a penetrar. El hombre comienza a gemir, mientras la muchacha est� como si nada. De repente, el tipo comienza a sentir que se hunde dentro de la chica, y en el forcejeo para evitar ser tragado por ella se le va el zapato adentro de su hoyo. Entonces, para recuperar su zapato se adentra en la chica y empieza a buscarlo. Repentinamente, ve a un �rabe que estaba sentado, y le pregunta:
“�T� tambi�n intentaste acostarte con ‘La Profunda’, verdad?”
“S�, hasta mi camello se la quiso coger y no pudo”.
“Oye, �me ayudar�as a encontrar mi zapato?”
“Claro, pero primero busquemos a mi camello”.
The question?
Mother: “Why are you home from school so early?”
Son: “I was the only one who could answer a question.”
Mother: “Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: ” ‘Who threw the eraser at the principal?’ ”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
The Top 14 Signs Your Pet Has Been Doing Drugs
14> Your parakeet’s been whistling Pink Floyd and staring at the ceiling lately. 13> Mittens lets out a mellow-yet-plaintive mew when you channel-surf past SpongeBob. 12> There’s a trail of water and aquarium gravel leading from the fish bowl to the refrigerator. 11> Rover’s constantly burying clean poodle urine samples in the back yard. 10> You thought he was purring like a normal cat until you discovered his pager was vibrating non-stop. 9> Your Dave Matthews CDs and Hacky Sacks keep turning up in the Habitrail. 8> The hamster wheel is suddenly providing electricity for the entire block. 7> Every time the doorbell rings, she starts flushing her dog toys down the toilet. 6> Local street punks have started smoking your cat’s hairballs. 5> Polly wanna cracker, man… and a big bag of Doritos, a box of Fruity Pebbles and a microwave burrito. Oh! And a jelly donut! 4> When you ask him Who’s a good boy? he sits and ponders the answer for an hour. 3> Whoa… have you ever, like, looked at your paw? I mean, really LOOKED at your paw?!? 2> He’s so freaked out by the bubbling treasure chest that he hasn’t been out of his castle in six days. 1> Rusty’s not only stopped chasing his tail, now he’s accusing it of following him home. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]