I don’t have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
Author: admin
A Scotsman was dying. On
A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said:
“Is my wife here?”
His wife replies: “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you..”
The Scot goes: “Are my children here?”
“Yes, daddy, we are all here?” say the children.
The Scot: “Are my other relatives also here?”
And they say: “Yes, we are all here…”
The Scot gets up and says: “Then why the heck is the light on in the kitchen?”
Fords over Chevys
Ford lovers say that Chevys are built like a rock because they do not move.
HOW MANY BABIES
HOW MANY BABIES CAN YOU PUT IN A SANDWICH DEPENDS HOW THINELY YOU SLICE THEM.Y DO U PUT A BABY IN FEET FIRST IN A BLENDER…SO U CAN SEE ITS FACIAL EXPRESSION.WATS 4FT LONG AND MAKES MOTHERES CRY.COTT DEATH
Peter… Peter…
Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn’t have any tampons to use and she was on the rags.
Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon.
The Godmother says, “Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn’t be good.” Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
Midnight comes along…no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!
Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. “Where the hell have you been?”
To which Cinderella replies, “I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got you know serious. His name was Peter… Peter…”
Drunk in the Confessional
A drunk walks into a church, and then into the confessional.
The preacher asks, “May I help you my brother?”
The drunk responds, “Yea, pass the toilet paper.”
Q: How many young
Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.
The Top 15 Differences if Barbra Streisand Were President
15> “Hail to the Chief” suspended. Sargent at Arms now simply squeals, “Hello, Gorgeous!”
14> Intense international negotiations conclude with air kisses and “Don’t change, you’re perfect.”
13> Secret service has a dog of a time outfitting their see-through pajamas with Kevlar.
12> Absolutely no doubt for whom Palm Beach County voted.
11> Initiative to have her likeness added to Mt. Rushmore scuttled due to costly biannual face lifts.
10> Her media nickname: Presidentl
9> Incessant bitching and moaning replaces baseball as the national pastime.
8> Solves every international crisis by marrying that country’s most-washed-up actor.
7> Aretha Franklin has to sing Streisand’s State of the Union Speech when she blows it off.
6> Alec Baldwin suddenly has a lot more traveling companions.
5> State of the Union address nominated for a Grammy.
4> Bette Midler put to death.
3> Bill Clinton would be getting some in the Oval Office again.
2> Prospective Cabinet members undone one by one during confirmation hearings when they are forced to admit under oath that they walked out of the theater halfway through “The Mirror Has Two Faces.”
1> After every State of the Union address, Barney Frank approaches the stage with flowers, crying.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Threat
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s even moving.”
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me, Officer, what’s the hold up?”
The Officer replies, “The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn’t have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I’m walking round taking up a collection for him.”
“Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”
“So far only about three hundred gallons but I’ve got a lot of folks still siphoning.”
Mrs Hamburger Head
Sent from an Aarons Daily Joke Subscriber!!
Hi this is true, some time ago when my daughter Stephanie was 4 years old
and it was winter near Christmas, setting the scene as it gets dark early.
I had taken her to the doctor and when we got out of the doctors it was dark already. I got her a happy meal from McDonalds to keep her quiet because I had and errand to run before going home. No seat belts then.
She was standing in the back seat patting the back of my head and I kept telling her to sit down and eat her hamburger. She finally told me she was finished.
It was dark so I couldnt see what she was doing.
We went into a hardware store and people kept looking at me and smirking like ‘lady there is something wrong with you and we are not going to tell you what.’
I felt uncomfortable finshed my purchase as quickly as possible. .
Even leaning over to write a
check. The cashier snickered and looked away. Finally we were out of the store and I dropped my keys and as I bent over to pick them up, her
hamburger fell out of my wig on the sidewalk.
I couldnt feel it because I had a wig on.
Thats what she was doing on the ride to the store putting the hamburger in my wig so nicely patting me on the head.
I was so embarrassed I didnt go to that store for a long time.
My friends called me Mrs Hamburglerhead for awhile. We still go to Mc Donalds tho.
Carol D., St Paul Mn.
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine…
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment,
and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.
The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made
a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said
“Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree
with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy
night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and
responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the
best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes
Sir!”
The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”
Your momma so stupid . . .
your momma so stupid that she tried to drink a watermelon.