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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a race to cross the river doing only the breast stroke.
Well the brunette comes up two hours later and towels off, an hour later the redhead comes up and towels off, Six hours after the redhead came up the blonde comes up.
She goes up to the judge and says, “I hate to sound like a sore sport, but I think they used their arms.”
NO JOKE!! MUST READ!!! WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,’ DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year.Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don’t be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW .
i farted loud like yo mommas burp
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you’re next.
Please don’t make me kill you.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re okay now.
I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
Remember my name — you’ll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time.
Of course I don’t look busy – I did it right the first time!
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun.
There was this little boy who workes on a market stall he had a bald head and a blind man came up to him and rubbed his head and said how much is this watermelon
Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington’s nose!
What do you call ten Italian women together in a steam bath?
Gorillas in the mist.
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his flat, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and hug bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him.She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and have rampant nookie.After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”The bloke says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
An actual Pennsylvania law;
“If you are driving and you see a horse and rider ahead of
you, you must pull off the road and turn off your veichle until
the horse and rider pass and are out of sight. If the horse is
starting to get antsy, then you must disassemble your veichle
piece by piece and hide the pieces under a bush and only AFTER
the horse and rider are out of eye-sight, then and only then may
you reassemble your car and resume your current course.”
One problem, how do you reassemble your car and get it to work?
Politics: It all really just boils down to this:
Issue: Criminals:
Democrats: Give them a second chance.
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.
The poor:
Democrats: Give them some food.
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.
Endangered species:
Democrats: Give them protection.
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.
Dictators:
Democrats: Give them a way out.
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.
The uninsured:
Democrats: Give them health care.
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.
The cost:
Democrats: $9,000,000,000,000,000,000
Republicans: $29.95 (cost of one sword)
Student: Can I use the bathroom?
Teacher: Okay but first say your ABC’s.
Students: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ
Teacher: Where’s the P?
Student: Its running down my leg!