Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak
Author: admin
Quotes
“I’ve often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had
to go through Congress.”
Undesirable Places
Top Ten Least Desirable Subdivisions
1. Ebola Run
2. Rolling Ghettos
3. Landfill Hills
4. Tornado Fields
5. Deadwood Forest
6. Death Valley Village
7. Floodplain Lane
8. Cockroach Creek
9. Waste Treatment Trails
10. Prison View Estates
New School Homework Poilcy
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
The mermaids
how are mermaids paid?
in sand dollar silly
I Tried!
A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he
accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room
of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, “Yuck!
Well, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.”
“I haven’t got the fingers.”
The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? This is the
age of medical advances. We’ve got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible
techniques! Why didn’t you bring me the fingers?”
“Well, heck doc, I tried, but I couldn’t pick ’em up!”
Vietnam?
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, “Vietnam, 1969?”
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, “Dog shit, 20 feet back.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Orgasms you May Encounter
Situations you may find yourself in, and the orgasms you may encounter…
Sex in a boat – oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd – dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house – door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum – floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket – store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie – horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute – whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant – bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping – snore-gasms.
Sex with ‘Arthur’ – Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys – Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke – poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion – roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end – sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course – fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) – more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine – ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist – pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician – Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers – s’more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter – toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword – zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach – shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet – smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck – shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in asia – Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature – outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can – odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train – ‘All Aboard’-gasms.
Sex that wasn’t very satisfying – ‘There’s the door’-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater – hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who’s not paying attention – ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner – score-gasms.
Sex while flying – soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner – adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater – carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo – pompadore-gasms.
Sex with someone who’s got bad taste in clothes – velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling – tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog – labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead – ‘GonnaScore’-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall – escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends – four-gasms.
Sex with a norse God – Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile – Borg-gasms.
Daddy’s job
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
Boucher’s Observation: He who
Boucher’s Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.
Blonde at school
a blonde comes skipping home from school one day and says mum i can count to 10 but my friends could only count to 5 is it because im blonde?
mum replies yes it is love
the next day she comes in skipping and said i could go up to g in the alphabet but my friends could only go up to d is that because im blonde?
yes it is love
the next day she comes skipping in and says mum everyone in my class is flat chested but im not and gets out some 34f is that because im blonde mum?
no love its because your 25
Supplies
A foreman was assigned three new workers; two big strong local men, and a little guy from Japan. Because of their size, the foreman gave the two locals the digging work, and told the Japanese man “You’ll be in charge of supplies.”
After an hour or so, the foreman came back to check on their progress only to find the two locals sitting down doing nothing.
“What happened? Why aren’t you at work?”
The men replied that their tools were broken and that the Japanese man in charge of supplies, had disappeared.
Worried, the foreman ordered the two men outside the mine to help look for the little guy. Just when they were about to give up the search, the Japanese guy jumps up from behind a rock and yells “Supplies!!”