Heard over The US Armed Forces Radio Station, Okinawa, in 1959.”HELLLLLLOOOOOO Okinawa!!!!!For all you civilian employees the time is now 4:30.For you guys in the Army and Air Force that’s 1630 hours.For you guys in the Navy that’s 8 bells.For you Marines…..the big hand is on the 6 and the little hand is right in between the 4 and 5.”
Author: admin
Maybe one in ten
Q: How many people work in civil service under Bill?
A: Maybe one in ten.
Dinosaurs
What did the baby dinosaur say when he was playing with his
dinosaur friend at lunch?
Don’t play with your food!!
A Little Squeeze
Henry and his over-developed wife were sitting in the stands waiting for the football game to begin. A friend walked over, said, “Hello Henry,” gave Henry’s wife’s breast a little squeeze and walked away.
A few minutes later another guy walked over, said, “Hello Henry,” then, he too, fondled his wife’s breasts and walked on.
This strange sequence of events went on for some time.
Finally a man sitting next to Henry spoke up, “Listen pal, It’s none of my business, but isn’t it a little odd that at least twelve guys came by, said hello to you then grabbed your wife by the breast? What’s the story?”
Henry looked at him and moaned, ” What can I do? If I leave her at home, she sleeps with everybody!”
Slept on the floor
Michael Jackson claims that his partners would sleep in the bed, while he slept on the floor.
You know, it’s the same arrangement the Clintons had.
–Jay Leno
Great Date
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Honey, would you give me a blow job?” Horrified, she replies “Are you mad? My parents will see us!” “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught “Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!” “No way. It’s just too risky!” “Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?” “No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!” “Oh yes you can. Please?” “No, no. I just can’t” “I’m begging you …”Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God’s sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.”
How They “Do It”
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookkeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don’t do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it’s free
Teachers do it with class
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Zoologists do it with animals
How did the redneck die drinking milk?
How did the redneck die drinking milk?
The cow sat on him!
Top Things You Don’t Want to Overhear Over an Airl
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take
this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation
devices.
2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia.
If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an
extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local
terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make
your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go
back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something…..
7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in
weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving
tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different
than the ships I’m used to.. so you’ll have to give me some leeway…
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and
watched the in-flight movie.
11. We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Oh
noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don’t worry! That one is always on E…
13. Get the parachutes ready…
14. Drinks are on me…
15. I’ll have what the Captain’s having…
16. Hey capt’n take another hit man…
Top 12 signs your surgeon may not be legit
12> His gown opens in back, showing nothing but naked flesh.
11> Uses a Ninja Turtles lunch box for a medical bag.
10> Announces he will be using anesthesia — on himself.
9> Diploma reads, “Acme Institute of Home Surgery.”
8> Follows a chart that has a large red arrow saying, “Begin here”.
7> Says the word “oops!” a lot.
6> Two words: “Doogie Howser”
5> Refers to Gray’s Anatomy with alarming frequency.
4> Touches up scalpel with knife sharpener before the incision.
3> Wears Platex Living Gloves to operate because they’re “so thin he can pick up a dime”.
2> Screams, “Prostate check! Ok, Buddy, feet out and spread ’em!”
1> Tells you to take off your clothes, puts on a Sinatra record.
bowl of cherries
a guy is walking down the street and decides he is really horny, so he decides to stop at the local whore house. when he gets there he finds that he only has 50$ so he tells the to the pimp of the house and he says ok i will hook you up this time but nextime you bring your money! the pimp says go upstair and to you right ok? the horney man agrees and does so. upon entering the room he notices a very comfortable looking chair and a very large bowl of cherries.as he grabbed the bowl of cherries and sat down he noticed that some of the lights had been turned off. as the hooker walked up she noticed he was eating them and ran out. the angry bu still horny man went to complain but the pimp told him just to go back up stairs and wait. the next girl came in to the same guy in the same chair with the same bowl of cherries and just about walked out, the man stopped her and asked her what was wrong, she said”those cherries your eating are our abortions from last week!!
Bubba and Monica
Question: Why should Monica Lewinsky never go to medical school?
Answer: She sucked as an intern!