Strings Attached

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie…. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There’s a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” says the man. “I’m not going to trust a car salesman!”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful woman will want and need me.”

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story? If a car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there’s going to be a string attached.

Diver Without Scuba Gears

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no
scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet,
but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15
more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard,
and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?”

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”

Really Tied One On

A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until
it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn’t want to
wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That
wouldn’t have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back
pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk
though, that he didn’t even realize he was hurt.

He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress.
Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough,
he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as
best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed.

When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was
hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story.

Just then, his wife entered the room and said, “Well, it looks like you
really tied one on last night. Where were you?”

“I worked late, dear,” he replied, meekly, “and went out for a couple of
beer.”

“A couple of beer? That’s a good one,” she snapped. “You got plastered! Where
did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?” he asked.

“Well,” she replied, “my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all
the band-aids stuck to the mirror…..”

Buried at Sea

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside.”Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I’d like to be buried at sea.” So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, “Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons… Funeral arrangements haven’t yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea.”

The Smart Clerk!

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept.
store and asks –
“W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s
dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why
wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question?”

The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat
up?!!”

A STRANGE STORY

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to
inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for
passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who
was both honest and a lawyer.
“That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be
certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”

One Drunken Night

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees
Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he
doesn’t remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up
and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the
door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the
fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million. This is just a
little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he
is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on
his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose,
empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.
Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns
around.

In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well.

He asks the leprechaun what is going on.

“Well,” says the leprechaun, “I was drunk last night as well, and as I was
crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me
to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me.”

“Well, I can guess the first one” says the guy, “Supermodel, bed, yeah I got
that one. What about the other two?”

“The money in the fridge?” says the leprechaun, “You asked for a cool
million.”

“And them out there?” asks the guy,

“You said you wanted to be hung like a black man.”